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The Grand Tour – Season 2 Episode 09: Breaking, Badly


(ENGINE REVVING) (TRAIN HORN BLASTS) (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) – Hello – Hello, everybody! Thank you so much

– Thank you! – Thank you JEREMY: Greetings! Thank you, thank you, thank you Thank you, everybody Thank you And welcome, and thank you all for braving these treacherous conditions to get here

– It took me nearly nine minutes this morning – (LAUGHTER) His slippers got all soggy on the way I nearly fell over once, but I made it Don't worry, because we have an incredible reward for you all Because, in this action-packed show

James wears a red anorakRichard looks at a pipe of some sortand I make a cup of tea (CHEERING) It is non-stop action Non-stop

But but we begin with mankind – Wow! Big start! – It is a big start

You see, the thing is, as a species, we are very pleased with ourselves, because we have the Porsche 918 and the Ferrari TheFerrari: cars that can travel at 212mph, an incredible speed Whereas cows and ants and – What are you going on about? – Well, think about it, OK

A cow is exactly the same now as it was a million years ago Well, maybe a bit more delicious now, but basically the same It still stands around all day long in a field eating grass Whereas we think that we've improved But have we? – Yes

– Yeah, we have Well, now, you say that, but we were travelling at way more than 212mph in our cars 25 years ago JEREMY: This is the Jaguar XJ220 And with a top speed of 217mph, it was the fastest car in the world For about five minutes

And then this came along The 218mph Bugatti EB 110 Super Sport Both these cars were conceived in the '80s, when Gordon Gekko was running amok, and the world was awash with money But by the time they went on sale in the early '90s An incredible day on Wall Street The market has fallen over 400 points JEREMY: the stock market had crashed There's only one word to describe what's happening, and that is "panic" JEREMY: So, the only people who might have bought them were too busy hurling themselves out of their office windows on Wall Street So, these cars, they came, they conquered, and no-one noticed

Today, though, 25 years later, there are only three cars in current production that are faster than this However, while there is a lot of performance, the way it's delivered is quite old-fashioned

You put your foot down, and then you wait while the turbo-chargers spool up It takes quite a while, cos there are four of them (WHIRRING) Talk among yourselves However, when the 35l V12 is finally getting all the food it needs

Oh, God! all hell breaks loose (ENGINE ROARS) Oh! Through the corner Mild terror The speed is hilarious! And terrifying That's probably why they fitted it with this plastic sheeting rather than carpets, because they knew that one day you would soil yourself

You did have to be good to get the best out of this thing Which brings me on to Michael Schumacher He could have had any car he wanted back in the day, but he had one of these Weirdly, however, and mainly because I think it looks better, I'd have chosen the Jag It was supposed to have been a four-wheel drive V12, like the Bugatti, but Jaguar found that much too complicated

So, they gave it the turbo-charged V6 from a Metro rally car, rear-wheel drive, the rear lights from a Rover 200, and then they said, "That'll do," and went to the pub So, does that mean the Jag is embarrassed by the Bugatti in a drag race? Right, before we do this, I have to tape the cassette player in place, because the last time I did a full-bore standing start in an XJ220, the acceleration was so vivid, the stereo shot out of its slot in the dashboard, ricocheted off the gear lever, and then speared into my left plum It was very uncomfortable Oh, the end's come off That's good

Right, window up (WHIRRING) (SQUEAKING) (SQUEAKING CONTINUES) Right, let's do this! (ENGINES REV) (TYRES SCREECH) (ENGINES ROAR) Don't know when to change gear, because the rev counter's broken This is close Oh, my word! Ha! Score one for the Jag! Whoa! That was some speed! After a quarter of a mile, the badly-made Jag was doing 135mph, and a modern day Lamborghini Huracan couldn't do that Which proves that in the last 25 years, we've come nowhere

Except, we have You see, back in '92 and '93, there was no Wi-Fi, there was no PlayStation, DVD hadn't been invented, Justin Bieber hadn't been born There was no Google, Amazon was a river There was no internet pornography Well, that's probably a good thing, cos there was no Viagra, either

The early '90s were the dark ages, and when you drive these cars, it shows In here, there's no power-steering No air conditioning No anti-lock brakes And obviously, no driver aids of any kind

Got a 525bhp engine back there Ooh, shi Being fed by a turbo-charger the size of a wheelie bin

And all there is in here to tame it is me! Ah! Oh! After a couple of laps in this thing, you really are aching And sweating And you're frightened You really are Cos this is not a car that's just gonna forgive you

If you overdo it, you're gonna hit a tree, and that's just an end of it So, there we are A modern supercar may be no faster than these monsters from the past, but a modern supercar makes the speed fun and easy, not terrifying and bathed in an unholy mix of sweat and faeces (CHEERING) Well done Covered it all there

No, seriously, well done, because nobody's ever finished a road test with the word "faeces" before No, that was a first But I'm just thinking, it isn't just supercars that are getting slower, because you remember the Lotus Sunbeam? – When was that, 1979, '78? – Yeah That did 0-60 in 66 seconds, and there aren't many hot hatches that would keep up with that, even today

And then you've got trains The Mallard, the steam train, is quicker than most electric trains SR-71 Blackbird, nothing in the skies as fast as that I suppose, if you think about it, we used to be able to get across the Atlantic in three hours, – and now it takes us seven – Exactly

And now we must put some numbers on our argument by sending the Bugatti round the Eboladrome (ENGINE REVS) Come on, old-timer! JEREMY: And she's off A smooth start Four-wheel drive system maintaining traction in these wet conditions It really is soaking out there today! Right, a measured line through the first curve, and then carefully working the throttle to keep things in check

Approaching the sweep down to Your Name Here, and smoothly done (TYRES SQUEAL) Crikey! Managing to get the tyres squealing, even on this damp section And then winding up the little V12 to fire it back onto the Isn't Single wiper batting away the drizzle, as she hustles it towards the braking zone for the tricky Old Lady's House complex How will it get on here? Very neat

Very controlled And now back on the gas for the run to Substation And you can hear the fizz from those four furiously spinning turbos Keeping it together there nicely Field Of Sheep to go

Glides through there, and across the line (CHEERING) So, let's see where it goes on the board I'm imagining pretty high up Oh – That's not very fast

– No, it isn't very fast But we put the Jag round, as well, and that did it in Hang on, I've got the time here

Just bear with meone thirty-five one

JAMES: So slower than the Bugatti? Yes Slower, in fact, than everything except a small, cheap Volkswagen hatchback, which also went round in the soaking wet

Yes So, contrary to what you were saying earlier on, supercars have got much faster over the last 25 years Yes Right! Moving on! Because now it's time to order some doughnuts of debate from the Chat Café, on Conversation Street (SMOOTH JAZZ) – I was terrified

– Yeah Right, good Now – you know the BMW Z4? – Yes The only car, incidentally, designed on the interior and the exterior by women

– OK? – It was Well, they're dropping it, and replacing it with this This has been designed by a man, so Mm-hm And where are you going with this one, Jeremy? So, it won't be able to take its jumper off by folding its arms – What? – What are you on about? Men can't take their jumpers off like women do, – crossing their arms – I can do that! – You're not a man – Oh, right

I take my jumper That's how you take a jumper off, like that How do you know? You just wait for the paramedics to come along, cut it off after your accident

Yes, but that's how you take a jumper off – I don't know what you're talking about – Take your jumper off Just take your jumper off Watch this

How does he take it off? Er, like this JEREMY: There, you see? Like a man Are there any women wanna take Oh, no, we can't do that Seriously, women, do you know what I'm on about? WOMEN: Yes Women cross If I tried to do that, I'd dislocate my shoulder! Thank you for that nonsense, Jeremy Can we maybe get back to the BMW now, which is a car? Yes, it is Now, I have to say, the old one was never as good to drive – as it was to look at – I know what you mean It wasn't

It was sort of baggy, wasn't it? Yeah, and there was never an M version You know, it was all just unexciting But I'm hoping this new one is as good to drive as it looks, and it does look very good, – even though it will struggle with its jumper – Yeah, whatever Anyway, if I was looking for a new BMW Z4, actually, I'd have one of these, because this is the new Toyota Supra

I know, it looks phenomenal! And that underneath is basically a Z4 – Same engine and everything – Same chassis It is a Z4, but with that body And that body, I have to say, looks amazing

And do you know the most amazing thing is, they're talking about a price between 40,000 and 60,000, which is much less than it looks like RICHARD: See, I think that is actually filling a gap in the market There is a need right now for a mid-price sportscar, because there really aren't many, if any There's the Audi TT RS Well, that'll definitely take its jumper off like that, won't it? And then stow it in the overhead lockers, tell you where the doors are

Now, Volkswagen's US Head of Regulation – that was his job title – a guy called Oliver Schmidt He's just been done for his part in Dieselgate And they've given him seven years in jail Or, as he would put it, 42 years

And a fine of £400,000, or whatever that translates into VW money Two hundred and seventy thousand The fascinating thing is, there was a warrant out for his arrest in America, but he was in Germany And then, for some reason, he decided to take his annual holiday in Florida, and got arrested at the airport "Oh, nein!" – Why did he do that? – Because he's a moron? – Oh, yeah

– Well, he must be! He must be! The only thing I can think of is that Volkswagen needed someone to do some jail time – for what had happened – And he volunteered to do it? No, I reckon they probably said, "You are ze employee of ze month, Mr Schmidt, and you have won a fortnight's holiday in Disney World!" – "Ah, danke!" – And off he toddled "Oh, no, they have arrested me!" That's actually a seven-year holiday, Mr Schmidt, and the catering is terrible Now, do you remember the Rimac we had in programme one of this season? – There it is JEREMY: Yeah

RICHARD: Well, they've announced there is a new one coming out Well, what happened to that one? No, that was called the Concept One – JEREMY: Mm-hm – And they only made eight of those, actually – How many are left? – Seven

Shut up! What happened to the other one, Hammond? Just stop saying things! The new one is gonna be called the Concept Two, and amazingly they're saying it's gonna be even faster, and that was blindingly fast I actually don't believe that you can make a car go Well, they say it's gonna be faster, and it's a bit bigger inside

Which you did need, cos that one was quite cramped – You can fit in this one – I could fit in the last one You'd be less like Spam, though, if you rolled it over and over and over It should be more dangerous, you're right

We've actually got a picture of the new Concept Two Here it is, Hammond You'll like this RICHARD: Oh, God (LAUGHS) – (LAUGHTER) Ooh, now, there's a new McLaren, OK? I've got a picture of it here

This is staggering OK? I've got some of the details It's their new flagship, kinda replaces the P1 Super hard-core 789 horsepower mentalist that thing

And they've called it And this is a tremendous name, I think – They've called it the Senna

RICHARD: Ooh, cool JEREMY: I mean, that is a really cool name for a car like that I'm glad they didn't call it the Mansell – No, less cool – With its droning engine note

And it would have a stupid moustache above its number place (DRONES) And if it were a convertible, a tweed roof McLaren Hunt could work, cos he was quite cool A terrible thirst, though, it would have Yeah, a lot of smoke coming out

Every now and again it would try and mount another car But it'd be cool On balance, I think Senna's probably the best name they could have come up with Right Now, what else? What more conversation have we got? – I have some conversation

– You have some conversation? You know last week, you were talking about how you ended up following a pigeon? – How fast did you reckon it was going? – Thirty-five? Thirty-five, I think you said The other day, I was going down a country lane and I ended up following a blackbird, and that only does 28 And that's interesting, cos that means a blackbird, in level flight, is slower than a pigeon What is wrong with you two? Why are you following birds? Why not follow Russian spies or straying husbands? No, listen, Hammond Pay attention

RICHARD: Oh, God – I did some research on this You know the top speed of a pigeon, if it really puts its foot down, is 90, in level flight – Ninety miles an hour! – Ninety? That is amazing, cos you wouldn't think a pigeon's wings could shift enough air – No, I wouldn't think about it! – No, no, stop! You say that: a hummingbird can fly faster than a goose

JAMES: Can it? – Even though it's like that – Nobody cares! – They do! Stop ranking birds! What? – R-r-r-ranking – (LAUGHTER) Anyway, I think that the top speed of birds is a new hit show And you and I can host it, and you'll end up as Buttons in panto in Swindon And then you'll shoot yourself in a room in a Premier Inn one night

– Yeah – There'll only be one police car outside, and it'll be a Vauxhall Astra That's your future! Anyway, that is enough Conversation Street this week, so let's move it on Thank you very much (CHEERING) Now

Now, as I'm sure you know, trying to set a speed record is very, very dangerous, and especially if you try to do it on water In fact, over the years, and this is a true fact, 85% of everyone who's tried to break a speed record on water has been killed in the process – Eighty-five percent! – Yeah

But that's not the sort of figure that puts us off! Exactly Because there was a 15% chance of surviving it, we decided to try and break the UK speed record for amphibious vehicles Yeah, first, though, we had to build a car that could be driven legally on the road, but that would also go very quickly on the water Mm And how hard can that be? JEREMY: Since we were trying to break an amphibious speed record, the obvious starting point

was here At Huddersfield International Airport Why are we at Huddersfield International Airport? Yeah, why aren't we at a lake? Because I'm project leader, and one of the many, many things that I know is that to go fast on water, you have to have a lot of power

To demonstrate what I was on about, I'd set up a test, using the jet engine from an RAF Nimrod – Did you build all this? – Yes JAMES: Can I just ask JEREMY: What? what is the current speed record for amphibious vehicles? Thirty-nine point one miles an hour Well, isn't this rather overkill? Listen, Usain Bolt can run at 27mph on land, OK? If he were waist-deep in water, he'd have a top speed of about one

Water's really sticky, you need loads of power I've got a word in my head for all this, and it's "impractical" I've got a word, it's "shut up" – All right – We're going

(ENGINE POWERS UP) – Is it loud? – Very – (BANG) – That's fired up That's gonna drive air into the big engine – (ENGINE WHINES) – We've gotta get those in the green I hate it when you've got buttons

I can't hear anything Ignitors on (WHIRRING) I'm gonna give it some thrust now (ENGINE WHINES) Gonna go up to 100% power (ENGINE SCREAMS) (ENGINE DROWNS OUT DIALOGUE) (ENGINE DROWNS OUT DIALOGUE) (ENGINE POWERS DOWN) JAMES: You are a witless dodo! RICHARD: Look at it! JEREMY: Ah! On the upside – there is an upside here – if it's capable of doing that, imagine how fast we're gonna go on the lake

– You're a cretin – Yes Yes, yes, yes None of this is based on any scientific reasoning whatsoever You say, "It's got a lot of power

" "How much thrust has it got?" "A lot!" Look what it's done, it's blown two aeroplanes over and given us a massive bill JEREMY: Having proved to my sceptical colleagues that jet power was the way forward, we moved to our technology centre Here, we would fuse together this Russian jet

this speedboatand this Suzuki Jimny, and we'd end up with the fastest amphibious vehicle Britain had ever seen – We have an old Suzuki car JEREMY: Yes A small, old, plastic boat and a jet engine

And you're suggesting that somehow we unite them all into some sort of symphony of success and glory? Yes This is the stupidest thing I've ever been involved with JAMES: It's idiotic JEREMY: Having convinced my sceptical colleagues once more that my plan was a good one, we set to work And soon, our amazing creation was ready

Right, as you can see, everyone, this is fully road legal Lights, indicators, number plate And a massive jet engine just behind us JEREMY: Yes RICHARD: More of an issue, though, was the passenger's seat layout

I've gotta change gear, and it's right where your penis is I never want your hand that near my gentleman's sausage! RICHARD: What are these things above our heads exactly? These are the stabilisation tanks, yeah? When we go in the water, you lower them down and they keep us afloat I've got that I've got that when we fitted them, but what we're now discovering is they make us more stable on water, but a lot less on land! JEREMY: James, why are you being so quiet? JAMES: I'm waiting for it to fall over JAMES AND RICHARD: Whoa! Will you stop making stupid, childish noises! I think we've done an incredible job, and I think I've been a remarkable project leader

Why has no-one thought to do this before? It's so logical when you look at it The car bit of it's working, but it was already a car That's not much of an achievement I'm gonna do a brake test Ah! Oh! Oh

– What? – Wait (GASPS) Is that that – Ooh! – Oh! Yeah

JEREMY: Eventually, we arrived at the lake For our first high-speed test run And immediately, Hammond chickened out Why aren't you wearing a fire suit? Um, jet engines just aren't my thing I'm gonna watch this from the bank

Are you really not coming in it? No, I'm gonna watch– I'm gonna be the observer Oof! JEREMY: Oh She's ready My big fear is, let's be modest and let's say we reached 80 So from here, we've got to just use drag to slow us down before we hit the far bank

Well, we have to think ahead, yes Start decelerating when you pass that mid-point, – you should be all right JAMES: I think he's right The middle is the critical point RICHARD: Then just back off the throttles

– And then we'll use the drag of the pontoons to slow us down? – Yeah OK Right JEREMY: Soon, James and I were ready for the test, and not at all nervous When we fire up the jet, this Perspex that I put in here, I put it in

So what if that just goes? You shouldn't have said that You know in Die Hard 2, when the enormous soldier is sucked into the engine? Oh, yeah Yeah, that's like that It will be like that, won't it? (ENGINE STARTS) JEREMY: Ready? We are going in Oh, I feel buoyancy

I am proud of my two colleagues This is this is historic

JEREMY: We are now gonna fire up the jet engine Right Put your thing on, it's gonna be bloody loud – What thing? – These things That's a good point

– Right – Comms check, comms check Dials are engaged This is the speedometer OK, we've got ignitor on, bilge pump off, throttle set at idle

– Go – Starting jet (ENGINE POWERS UP) Holy shit! (WHIRRING) It's going Don't look at it! JEREMY: Don't look in the rear-view mirror (BOOM) (ENGINE WHINES) Oh, this is phenomenal! Taking up the power now Fifty percent Is that 50%? Yeah, that's about 50, but 70 is 100 What do you mean, "70 is 100"? I couldn't find a dial that exactly matched the revs, so 70 on here is 100% thrust

JEREMY: I'm going full power Here we go Hold tight You wanna hold on to something, seriously Right, go

(ENGINE ROARS) JEREMY: That's 100% thrust (ENGINE SCREAMS) Right, well, we're doing 2mph JEREMY: Come on! We're doing three! Why is it so slow? I mean, that jet is from a Russian fighter! That is capable of keeping a Russian fighter in the air Why won't it make us go more than three? In the air, that's the point – the air! Hammond is keeping up with us That's it? Come on! – Can I just say something? – We're sinking

No, my half is sinking Oh, God! We really do need I'm gonna go in to shore

I don't think they needed the neck braces in the end JAMES: And throttle back (ENGINE POWERS DOWN) – Speed? – Three RICHARD: Three? – Yeah, it does three That's your top speed, it's three? You could row at 3mph

JEREMY: On the upside, and there is one, neither of us were killed And that's an upside? No, the issue at hand is – RICHARD: It doesn't work

– Yes Why doesn't it work? Well, it's mainly to do with the shape of the car, the shape of the sawn-up bits of tatty old boat that you've Blu-Tacked to it The drag of the pontoons, the size and power and position of the engine, the amount of fuel it will run, the basic physics The fact that water is 750 times as dense as air JAMES: It was time to go back to the drawing board And this time, we gave Jeremy a job he could actually do Now, this is the car that currently holds the record for amphibious vehicles It's the Gibbs Humdinga, and, as you can see, it is not an ancient Suzuki with an old Russian jet engine on the back

No, it's a light, plastic car with a hull, and, as you can see, retractable wheels Exactly And that's why we have chosen, as the basis for our project, this Which is a Reliant Robin in a 1970s leisure suit No, it is a Bond Bug: one of the coolest cars from the '70s

And I can see why you chose this particular one, Hammond It's got your name on it Shut up The only reason these things never really caught on was because nobody thought of making them amphibious Yes, but we have, you see

So we're gonna fit it with retractable wheels, same as the Gibbs, and we're gonna use the engine from one of these JEREMY: A jet engine – Yes Sort of, but different JEREMY: It's my idea

The jet engine was not your idea No, the jet engine isn't my idea, but the idea of making an amphibious car using a jet engine was my idea This is a water jet, it's different And anyway, this is genius, because you can rent one of these from pretty much any beach in the world, that will do 50mph out of the box – This one will do 67

– It will Exactly Well, that's plenty So, all we've gotta do is incorporate this into the roadworthy shell of the Bond Bug, and we've got a very fast car and a very fast boat in the same thing Which is exactly what I was doing

JAMES: At this point, we sent Jeremy home and set to work on building our masterpiece (CHEERING) I don't know why you're applauding They know nothing about boats Absolutely nothing Old planes? Yes

Helicopters? Yes Old motorcycles? A lot But boats? Nothing! But, we shall see what they came up with later on Now, though, it is time for Celebrity Face-Off (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) It's a simple question this week

Who is the world's fastest magician? To find out, would you please welcome Dynamo, and Penn and his silent partner, Teller (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Amazing! I'm already amazed! I've gotta be honest, magic is my favourite thing in the entire world Apart from boating in the south of France But we must begin with cars, obviously This being a car show, occasionally

You both started with 4x4s, as far as I can work out, or they have featured in your life You are a G-Wagen man, yeah? Yeah, yeah So, at the beginning, when my TV show got a bit of success, Mercedes came and they would give me cars to drive But then, I did a commercial with Fiat, and Mercedes weren't too happy about that (LAUGHTER) I used some of the money from Fiat to

I still love the G-Wagen, so I bought one So, you used Fiat money to buy a Mercedes? – Yeah – That is quite good

But you had a Ford Bronco But only because I watched OJ do the – (LAUGHTER) – And I said, "He's kind of a big guy

Maybe I'd fit in that car" And I got the whole thing, and it was all too masculine, so I painted it stripper pink for Vegas When you're driving to work, do they think you're a stripper? I hope so Didn't you have a Ford Falcon at some stage? Well, when I was in high school I'm from a rural areamy mother gave me her car, which was a Ford Falcon But for me, that was just a place to have sex in high school And then you started touring together – Mm-hm – So you presumably needed some kind of tour

You know, we're carny trash We did carnivals and outdoor shows and all of that We're the worst kind of people

And we had to drive all over the United States of America So, we went to an auction place and bought a Datsun 210 station wagon, with the back seat down, and then our trunks in there with all our stuff We were so terrified of having our props stolen, that we had a magnetic sign we put on the side that said, "Atlanta Centre for Disease Control Specimen Transfer Unit" We put that on the side, with the big boxes in the back, and that worked really well, until the sign was stolen I wanna talk about cars, but who would rather here see some magic? AUDIENCE: Yes! I know we're supposed to do cars

Would you mind awfully if you now do some? Have you actually– You've brought something with you? I'm gonna try something with you Just hold your hands out for me – What, both? – Both, like this – Like that? – A little bit wider Are you left or right-handed? Right-handed

Unless we're talking about shooting – Close it in a fist – Like that? That one? Yeah, then turn this left one over I'm gonna put a little cross right there Can you show that to everyone? – Show the cross to everybody

– I've got a cross there Let's have a look So, make sure it's dry It's Sharpie, so it shouldn't come off Yeah, it's still there

The ideais to make itdisappear from there If it's in this hand now, I'm going to be (BLEEP) sake! How is that? Go on, do another one Who'd like to see another one? AUDIENCE: Yes! – Come on, what have you got? – Have you got a piece of paper there? Er, yes

I've got a pen here I'm just gonna just do some markings for you We'll start here Take the pen – Take the pen

– Yeah Give me a number from, say, one to ten Nine Nine Write it down

JEREMY: Nine DYNAMO: Great We'll go for, let's see, the lady right there with the glasses Yeah I need another number, from 9 to 19

Er, 11 – Eleven – I think it was a man That's a bit embarrassing We may be in a world of trouble here

(APPLAUSE) Let's move it on, quickly! Yes – Richard! – Yes? A number from 11 to 21 Nineteen – Are you sure? – Yes – Nineteen, write it down

– There, yeah? Perfect Yes Uh, we'll go for this guy here in the blue jacket – How you doing? – Actually, that's a woman – (APPLAUSE) – It's so hard to tell A number from 19 to 29, please

27 Twenty-seven, write that down Gilles Villeneuve's old number We'll go for this gentleman right here with a white t-shirt – The gender-fluid gentleman

– Yes Yes! DYNAMO: A number from 27 to 37 Thirty-three Thirty-three, write that down Finally, the lady at the end with the long hair

Can we have a number between 33 and 49? – Forty-two DYNAMO: Forty-two So, nine, 11, 19, 27, 33 and 42 These are the numbers we randomly generated today A couple of years ago, I picked six numbers myself

They're like my lucky numbers, and I went to a shop and I bought a lottery ticket And I won Only a tenner, but, you know, I won something And I actually keep that ticket in my wallet – There we go

– No, no, no No! Keep it in my wallet for good luck Where's the camera? Can you see that? There's one ticket there – This is a lottery ticket? – I think you'll find the numbers quite interesting, if you wanna read them out loud So, you

I'll need my glasses on a lottery ticket So, let's just – What was the first number? – Nine Nine, right there – Eleven – Eleven

– Nineteen – Nineteen for Richard JEREMY: Twenty-seven DYNAMO: Twenty-seven JEREMY: Thirty-three

DYNAMO: Thirty-three DYNAMO: The last one? JEREMY: Forty-two (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) That's actually a lottery ticket It is a lott I'm Well, I'm staggered

But anyway, look, we haven't finished yet Shall we see what the Americans can do? – AUDIENCE: Yes! – Come on, you two, let's have a look What have you got? Well, you know, I was asking Dynamo, you're a member of the Magic Circle, right? – Yeah PENN: We are not Teller and I have a reputation, not ill-deserved, for giving away magic secrets

You do You always say how your tricks work We have done that, so they will not let us be members So that got us thinking Could we do a trick that would fool the Magic Circle, while giving away

all the very principles we've given away? And the first thing we gave away, in 1985, way back then, we're on the David Letterman programme, and gave away the idea of fake blindfolds that are used by magicians We said, "Every blindfold used by a magician is fake," which we've stood by We're gonna have a blindfold that can't be faked, which is– Dynamo Teller's gonna stand up here, and, Dynamo, just make sure that Teller can't see Come over there and just make sure that Teller

– Not permanently, but just for now – (LAUGHTER) Just put your hands right over his eyes there so he can't see No need to be gentle, it's not me

– Cool, cool – All you've gotta do is make sure he can't see How many fingers am I holding up? Now, we've been accused of giving away the idea of marked cards Marked cards are very hard to Even professional gamblers sometimes can't determine if they're marked But Dynamo's gonna make sure they're not marked The cards will be dealt face-down in Teller's right hand If the cards were marked, which they're not, Teller would have to see, and Dynamo's making sure he can't see

– He can't see – The other thing we gave away was on the Johnny Carson programme We gave away the idea of a card force: that it's easy to do a trick if you know in advance what card's gonna be picked And one of the ways you can do a force like that, Jeremy, is to have all the cards be the same – JEREMY: Yeah

– Then just have a card selected, where you know what's it's gonna be – Stand up for a second, Jeremy – Yeah, I can become vertical I want you to make sure you look over these, and make sure they are not all the same – I'll try to fan them all out

– No, that's a pack of cards Yeah, it's a pack of cards Now, another way you can do a card force is you can use sleight of hand to force the bottom card or the top card, or even a card in the middle I'm gonna eliminate sleight of hand by using your hands OK? So, I'm gonna give you most of the deck right there

And I'm gonna Just fan them out like this Fan them out

Don't let me see, but just think of one Don't even point to it, don't cut to it Just look over all the cards You have most of the deck And then just think of one card

Don't look at it, just think of it Then close them up so I can't see what you're doing And then give those cards a good shuffle Or give them that kind of shuffle Good

That's good But face-down so I can't tell what you're shuffling – So you've thought of one card? – Mm-hm – You have no idea where it is in the deck? Is that right? – No No

Now, magicians often want you to misremember the sequence of events We want you to very much remember the sequence The card is only in your head, is that right? – Yeah – It's nowhere else? – Nowhere else – The cards are all mixed up, you have no idea where it is

Now, I'm gonna put these in your hand Now, the order of these will not change It will not change I'm not gonna touch them again I will no touch them again, OK? Now that my hands are off, and I won't touch them again, what was the name of the card? – King of Hearts

– OK Now, you're gonna go over there and you're gonna deal the cards, one at a time, from the top, face-down, to Teller's right hand, OK? – Into his hand? – Into his right hand JEREMY: Face-down? PENN: Yeah PENN: Dynamo, make sure he can't see He can't see nothing

See, we are just being whipping boys again, Dynamo, us English – OK, Dynamo, was he able to see, even for a moment? – Nothing – Jeremy, what was the name of your card? – King of Hearts Look at the next card – Oh, for Christ's sake

– Thought of card out of a shuffled deck (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) JEREMY: Well You came here, of course, to do your laps

And, as we can see, in the rapidly fading light, the weather has not been clement In fact, when we arrived at the track this morning, it looked like this And then You can see the problem That bit, you can sort of see where the track goes But if we've got another shot– I think we've got a moving shot Now, somewhere in there is a racetrack (LAUGHTER) Which makes it quite tricky, I should imagine, to see where you were going

– You did it first, didn't you? – Yeah And there was a particularly fine moment, I have to say, on the It's supposed to be a flat-out corner when it's dry, but it really wasn't

The weather was improving, it was thawing And it all went, really, brilliantly wrong Who'd like to see Dynamo going round in a few circles? – Yeah, we all wanna see that? AUDIENCE: Yes! Let's have a look at this This is a flat-out corner, and then you just can see it's going, and then That's a properly big slide-off, that one is Round of applause for that, though We like that – Was that scary? – No, it was well fun! I was like, "I could have done this all day, it's so much fun

" Who'd like to see the lap that eventually resulted? AUDIENCE: Yes! – Let's have a look Dynamo's lap, here it comes Thawed out A nice, smooth, quiet start And he's away

Right, let's do this! JEREMY: OK, that's Ooh, that's quick through Oh! Yes, that's cutting that corner, but nicely done Nicely held And now we go on to what is normally gravel, but What does it look like now? It's just mud and slush God, that looks tricky! But you're keeping it Ooh, a bit wide through there, but not bad at all Again, not bad Not fast, but I don't think I'm on the track any more, guys JEREMY: No, it's still brown No, that is a James May cornering speed through that one

Is the car putting traction down all right? DYNAMO: No, it was all over the place! JEREMY: No, that's nice Yeah, splashing through the last bit Difficult Bit 2 as we call it It's driving on water, this is JEREMY: It is, yeah

It's almost Jesus-esque And then now we get back onto the tarmac Ooh, I say, that was tonnes of front-end grip there all of a sudden And look at the way the front's turning in That's unbelievable! Now, we go onto the really fast bit, ordinarily

Come on, then Here we go JEREMY: This is where you lost it in the practice But you haven't lost it this time That front is suddenly sticking really well! Coming up to the last corner

And a little bit of understeer through there, but nicely tamed And there we are, across the line, everybody! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Nicely done Not easy Not easy Now then, after you'd had a go, it was your turn

– Yes – Did you enjoy yourself? I had a very good time, yeah And I had Teller as a passenger, which was helpful Oh, that would help! Balance it out nicely PENN: Sure

You also had a moment, shall we say I did I did, yeah Would anybody like to see this moment? AUDIENCE: Yes! – Let's have a look This is quick coming into the last corner

That's understeer Oh, somebody's been off there already, you can see the tyre marks, but not as far you went That is impressive That's the furthest anybody's been off that track, by a long way You're definitely winning that, so far

Definitely Furthest off the track, I got that – But then you got a lap together, both of you – I did Let's have a look at this lap

Yeah, another nice, tidy start Roaring off down to the first corner So, we're going, Teller Can you feel that? JEREMY: It's not at all scary in there Right, that's tidily done through there, keeping it really on the island, unlike Dynamo, who was a bit mad

And onto the gravel Well, the mud Well, the slush Whatever you wanna call it (RATTLING) Ahhh! PENN: I'm going quickly there

JEREMY: Oh-hoo-hoo! – That was well held there PENN: Thank you JEREMY: That's nice driving I'm under control Shut up, Teller! I got it! JEREMY: Is he putting you off? Now, this is

Sometimes, when it appears to be slow, it's fast, and sometimes, when it looks fast, it's slow This is looking fast, I'm gonna be honest, but there's a lot of sideways action, which, of course, isn't forward motion, – which is a problem – But it looks really good

JEREMY: It looks tremendous This is great television And you can hear the bark of the two-litre there as you hit the straight – We're going! – Ahh! – Now! Boom! – Oh! JEREMY: And coming up to the This is the corner-not this one, but the next one, that caught you out practising Ooh, you're trying to get a Scandi flick going there, but a bit too soon Understeer again, but you've held it this time And there we are, yeah, across the line, everybody! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Right, I have the times here

OK We'll start with you, Dynamo One thirty-nine point three – That's all right – That's really slow (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) But you've got the snow symbol

So far, you're the fastest person ever to go round our track in the snow But are you faster than Penn and Teller? There's actually excitement here, isn't there? DYNAMO: Yeah PENN: There's nervousness You did it in onethirty

three point eight (APPLAUSE) (CHEERING) DYNAMO: Bad boy Commiserations Commiserations Congratulations, gentlemen

Congratulations That was fantastic! And thank you so much, all of you, for coming along and doing all this magic But we must now say goodbye to Dynamo and the world's fastest magicians, Penn and Teller! – World's fastest magicians! – (CHEERING) Now, tonight, we are attempting to break the British water speed record for amphibious cars Now, earlier on, Jeremy had a go at making something, and his effort was, frankly, terrible – JEREMY: No, it wasn't

– It was Yeah, so, Hammond and I took control of the project, and what we decided to do was take a 1970s three-wheeler with a removable roof, called a Bond Bug Here's a picture of it

and mate that with a jet ski, to create something that we had christened the Pond Bug And then, when it was finished, take it to the Lake District, and something called Coniston Speed Week

JAMES: Over the decades, many fearless daredevils have powered across this five-mile stretch of water, in the pursuit of new records One was the legendary Donald Campbell Who was killed here in 1967, whilst trying to break the 300mph barrier Today, in Speed Week, that spirit of adventure lives on, as people from all over the world come to push their boats, their engines, and themselves to the absolute limit This was speed heaven, and I felt sure our fully road legal Pond Bug would blend in perfectly

Morning! Look at all this! Having parked up, I went off to find Hammond and Clarkson, who reckoned he'd come up with something better – JEREMY: Are you ready? – (SIGHS) You're gonna not believe this RICHARD: OK JEREMY: Behold my genius! JAMES: Oh, hello! JEREMY: Oh, yeah! RICHARD: That is actually quite surprising JEREMY: So, the tracks drop down when you're near land

JAMES: Oh, very clever! I mean, I'm sorry I'm gonna stand back a little bithave I, or have I not created something brilliant? JAMES: No RICHARD: You didn't build it And it's very cool, but you can't use it

– Why not? – Because it's not road legal! Well, put a number plate on it It's not an amphibious car, it's a boat That's a boat with legs on it It's not eligible for what we're doing – Well, where's your car? BOTH: Ah! – What do you think? – Oh, yeah! Look at it! That is a quality job

Why are you pulling that face? It's the stupidest thing I've ever seen in my life It's the coolest thing that has ever been! – Look at it! – What are they? – RICHARD: These are the doors – JAMES: Yes, undercarriage doors What doors? RICHARD: You retract the undercarriage The front wheel goes up, then these doors shut, you've got a smooth hull

So those What do the back wheels do? (WHISTLES) What about the chine? What do you mean, "What about the chine"? Look at the chine at the back This is to attempt a water speed record

– RICHARD: I know! – JEREMY: This is what you need for a high-speed run, a smooth, rounded chine When this is up here, it's sharp So, as you're going along, you catch that, and it's gonna go JAMES: We had to make it fit round the wheel, otherwise it wouldn't work on the road You could have made it round! That was a difficult fabrication job

It was much easier to do it like that I'm sure it's easier, but you've created a death trap! Weight Keep the nose down – JEREMY: I know what it's for – RICHARD: Well, there you go then

Isn't this thing just gonna porpoise? – We don't know – No Probably JEREMY: Anyone who gets in that – is effectively committing suicide – JAMES: No, they're not! Anyone who gets in that is gonna look the coolest person here, that's fact one

Which one of you two's driving it? Now, that's interesting, because We've had a think about that It's gotta be somebody with a speedboat, powerboat racing licence

– JAMES: Yes Have you got one of those? – I haven't got one I haven't got one Do I know anybody who does have one? Yes, I do have a racing licence – Well, there you go, then

– And here is your racing boat Look what we've built for you – I am not getting in that – Yes, you are No, I'm not doing

– No! JAMES: Well, you have to – You have to – I am not

And with that, back to the tent – This is broken – No, line it up with the It is broken, otherwise it would You've used a removable steering wheel before JAMES: Line up the

There you go! I've mended it JEREMY: Knowing that 85% of people who attempt speed records are killed, and that the boat had been designed by imbeciles, I was fervently hoping that it would, at least, be easy to operate However

You have to drive it into the water first It's still in road mode And you do that using this

That just teases it in A little push, a little push, and it goes in Once you're in the water, you have to retract the wheels, and then you disengage the fan and the clutch Then you have to close the nose wheel doors If you push it down once, you're in neutral You'll still rotate round, cos the jet's still running Push it up, you'll see the current will flow on the ammeter When you get a current surge Jet thrust trim is here, and it will appear on your screen here

Hold that, and that goes This one, you pull it fully back If you knew, and you obviously did know all along, that I was gonna be driving this, why have you made this thing so complicated? – That's not complicated – We've simplified it These instruments are from the jet ski RICHARD: Comforting

Comforting When you're on holiday, you've looked at those and thought, "I'm having a lovely time" That's what you're doing today The water will be colder – Why don't you take the checklist with you? – Because it will blow

– It tells you the things you've got to do – JAMES: It's so easy! We've spent hours on that! The thing to remember is that it's Thirty-nine miles an hour is really fast JAMES: It is quite fast – It is really fast But if you do 40, then you're a world record holder

– Step out of here – JEREMY: Not world It's a British record

– What better record to break? – What other sort of record would you want? JEREMY: To set a speed record, you have to drive past the start line marker buoys You're then timed over a kilometre, after which, you turn roundand do exactly the same thing in the opposite direction Your result is an average speed taken from the two runs It all sounded very terrifying

Please sink like a stone Please sink! Sink! Sink! No, it isn't Damn it! – It looks good – It looks brilliant! RICHARD (OVER RADIO): We have every faith in you – We don't have every faith

– No No faith JAMES: Wheels! Wheels coming up JEREMY: It was now time for the checklist What do I do with the clutch? I've forgotten that

Doors Doors Is that right? How do I get it out Wait a minute Right, bilge No, that's bilge, that's not right No, it's just Oh, this is terrible! Hammond! May! You idiots! JAMES: Why is he just going round and round? Is there a record for going round and round? RICHARD: Don't know, but if there is, it's in the bag Right I think we need to go to a better viewing position to see his run Let's go over there

JEREMY: With the ridiculous checklist completed, I had to get some speed up, so I could cross the start line at full chat (ENGINE REVS) Visor down It's on the plain now We're on the plain It's very spray-y

It's a badly-designed hull JEREMY: But the hull was the least of my problems Jesus Christ! This steering! Oh It's a (BLEEP) nightmare! I can't steer it! I literally cannot steer it! I think he's experimenting with it I think he's sort of testing Oh, my God! (GROANS) JAMES: It looks pretty good RICHARD: It looks fabulous! I bet it handles like a dream! Oh, come on! I'm gonna crash into the bloody safety boat! – Look, he's making turns Yes! – That looks tremendous! JEREMY: Three times I tried to get the Pond Bug pointing in the right direction

Absolutely impossible! And then I thought, "Sod it," put my foot down, and went for it Oh, Christ! It's only my skill that is keeping this pointing in a straight line And, to make matters worse for a man on a speed run, I had no idea how fast I was going I've got a GPS speedo, but I can't read it, because there isn't any GPS Why have they given me such shoddy workmanship? Oh, heavens! Oh, Christ! That's the worst thing I've ever done, ever

And now, I've gotta turn round and do it again I've gotta wait for my own wash to die down That's what did for Campbell He went back too quickly Here we go

That is my foot pinned to the floor! Jesus! It's starting to chain lock! It's really bad Ahhh! And then Oh, my God! Oh, no, we've got a power problem! I'm losing power! May and Hammond have built a piece of shit here

It sounds a little bit inconsistent That's maybe him feathering the throttle He is possibly finessing it to keep it on the plain Oh, no! Come on! (SIGHS) Jesus! A lot of smoke Well, that was a disaster! I've got no GPS, so I don't know how fast that was

And the engine is cutting out all the time Basically, it was time for a stern word with the engineering department – Right, you two RICHARD: Yeah? Not only have you built something – ugly and complicated – It's not JEREMY: No, it's rubbish and lethal – In what way? – JEREMY: The worst thing is the steering You cannot get it going in a straight line The steering is a horrible compromise, cos it's gotta work the steering wheel and steer the boat

"Horrible compromise" is a way of describing it "Lethal" is another way – It looked great! – Looked great out there – Did it? JAMES: Yeah – I was doing about 4mph

– RICHARD: Well, that's a start JEREMY: Then, an official came on the Tannoy to announce my result Sequence 46, the Pond Bug Pilot: Jeremy Clarkson Your run South

47362 Return

48274 Average: 47

81 Which is a new National Record – There you go! – (LAUGHS) We did it! What do you mean "we" did it? Would you have swam it? – I did it! – We did it! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Thank you so much Thank you, thank you Thank you! Thank you all for applauding me! No, wait, they're applauding us as a team

Listen! I'm sorry to go on about this, but Roger Bannister was the first to break the four-minute mile Not the man who made his shoes Edmund Hillary was the first to go up Everest Not the man who made his rucksack – So? – So, I was the first

I was the first to do that! I broke the record, not you two! Yeah, the truth is, to be honest, we failed You didn't fail I mean, if you'd spent less time getting your hair cut and more time working on the engine so that it ran properly, I reckon that thing would probably do 60 or 70

On flat water, it definitely would Yeah, but the thing is, we gave it the square chines, that really terrible steering, the fantastically complicated knobs and buttons and things Basically, we built a death trap, and it didn't work Well, so you're Let me get this straight You were hoping I would become one of the 85% who died trying to break a record? BOTH: Yes So we're now actively trying to kill each other? Yes, and we can't even do that properly! And on that terrible disappointment, it's time to end Thank you so much for watching

– Goodbye! – Bye-bye (CHEERING)

Source: Youtube

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