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BREAKING UP WITH YOUR THERAPIST – The Sex Talk with Mou

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Hey, so Welcome back to the sex talk Today I wanted to talk a little bit about the therapeutic relationship That happens between clients and their therapists So Something that has come to my attention lately that I really wanted to talk about a little bit really quickly is the therapeutic relationship between clients and Therapists and what it is and what it means and how it can work for you I think there's a lot of misunderstanding as to what a therapists role is and In my role specifically I work mostly as a sex therapist

So I do a lot of work with couples but I also work with individuals sometimes and Sex therapy can be like particularly with couples It can be more short term because Couples tend to like when you're doing working with a couple or this could be a throttle or a family meaning more than one person And sort of a unit when they come in for therapy They there's more people and so there's more Like not telling on each other but like truth comes out So one person says well this thing is happening to me In relation to the other person or in relation to their partner and we have an opportunity to address it So things can move a lot faster in couples therapy an individual therapy it's not it's often not so fast because as individuals we might have less insight into how our Behaviors are affecting other people So a lot of what we work on an individual therapy is more like how things affect us So how things affect you as an individual we can't change the other people so we work on how you can change Yourself how you can change your environment what you can work on things like that in couples therapy or in family or throuple therapy? It's How we can better listen to each other how we can better communicate how we can better get better get our needs met Together and we learn about the other person in In couples therapy, and so it can be really profound but also faster well Because of the fact that I'm not just working on sexual issues I'm also a licensed therapist I'm a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, which basically means I'm a licensed psychotherapist

I have a master's degree in clinical psychology And then I did my hours Under supervision for I think 3,000 hours to get licensed and that was Over 13 years ago So I've been a licensed therapist for 13 years specializing in sex therapy Well what that means is that sometimes I do see clients long-term and we often end up addressing things other than sex we often end up addressing things like You know long-standing trauma long-standing like attachment issues Behavioral things, you know, we also deal with how your showing up in your current relationship how you showing up in your current relationship with you know with relation to your experience and and things of that nature so Individual therapy even though it's not my specialty Can sometimes take a more long-term? Can can end up being something That's Lina that we do for a more long-term and Basically when that happens There's a really positive thing that can come out of that Which doesn't that short term therapy doesn't really allow for and that is that you now have the opportunity to experience what it's like to be in in a relationship that Has like a reparative value? Also known as corrective emotional experiences a reparative experiences basically you get to have experiences with someone mean the therapist or your therapist and that relationship allows you to Experience what it's like to have a fight have a disagreement Have say something that's not right and have that reflected back to you And so those are the types of things I wanted to specifically talk about today

So one of the things that I wanted to talk about is when you have something Negative to say to your therapist, you know Typically when we go to therapy we end up repeating patterns of repeating in real life but therapy is a great place for you to Break those patterns So if your therapist just Said something that hurts you or upsets you this is a great opportunity for you to actually say hey, that didn't feel good when you said that and Or and have that happen and sort of learned that your therapist isn't gonna go anywhere And the reason I wanted to bring this up is because people often terminate therapy, they'll often quit just out of the blue They don't quit by not showing up They'll send an email and cancel they'll call and cancel and then never show back up because there's been a rupture in the relationship and in their past experience that rupture means Oh, we can't go back I can't go back to seeing my therapist again when in reality as your therapist One I'm probably not mad at you two, I expect it Three have been trained to work through this type of thing with you So I Want you to show up

I want you to be yourself and show up and if you have the urge to Break up with your therapist I would ask yourself Are you doing this? Is this an old pattern that you doing? It's important to remember that your therapist is not your friend is not your mother It's not your partner a lot of times we Confuse that those relationships with our relationship with our therapist But your therapist is there to provide a therapeutic experience For you to be there for you even in the darkest of times That's what our job is is to be there for you in your darkest of times Even if that dark time is about me I have a really great experience and you know it was a client had emailed me about something that we had discussed and but in her email There was some things that she really Wanted me to do and she gave me a very short window to do I had agreed to do this these these things reaching out to someone else on our team and she wanted me to do it in a really short amount of time and I said, First of all, no, because I have good boundaries but I also let her know how it made me feel disrespected and She responded as she should she was very very sweet and she apologized but later she told me that she thought in her mind Oh god Now I have to find a new therapist this relationship is over Luckily, she didn't do that

She came back to therapy But this is a very great example of what happens and how she's now able to say Oh, wow I can screw up and My therapist can tell me like that didn't feel good and we can still continue our relationship and guess what? It brought us closer together she learned that she can still be herself and I'm still gonna show up for her and I get to tell her when things don't feel good to me and She gets to still show up for me Like we still get to show up and be who we are and that was a really profound experience for her and I'm just I want to reiterate this to you if you feel like you want to terminate with your therapist if you feel like it must be Ask yourself why ask yourself if you're repeating a pattern Ask yourself if there's something that could be benefited by sticking this through a lot of times we develop an attachment to our therapist that I that it that is similar to something that we've had in the past and our past behavior Was – if something if something fell apart walk away a lot of people do that That's the safest thing to do, but it doesn't provide us with a lot of opportunity for growth It doesn't provide us the opportunity to learn from our experiences it doesn't provide us an opportunity to communicate with the other person what went wrong and Like how to fix it and things like that So so I kind of just wanted to clarify that as therapists we Take on a role that is meant to be therapeutic for you That's meant to be different Than what you've been doing in the past

That's why you came to us in the beginning and When you stay in a therapeutic relationship for a longer period of time and by long, I mean more than six months You know eight months a year when you get to that place You're are likely to have disagreements with your therapists You're more likely to have these strong feelings because now you you're more intimate now You're closer and so your therapist is gonna piss you off or My client is gonna piss me off because we've sort of developed more of an attachment more of a bond That is part of the therapeutic relationship this needs to be differentiated from The relationship of a friend or a partner or a mom or a parent? We are not those things We're not your friend So obviously we're you're not going to call us up in the middle of the night And-and-and cry, you're gonna wait til your appointment We're not your parent So we have a lot of boundaries But those boundaries are actually meant to to Sort of be a good example for you because you can have boundaries – in your life even with your partners Even with your friends even with your parents even with family members That doesn't necessarily have to be like a therapeutic relationship But it can like being in a therapeutic relationship can sort of help you Take what you learn in therapy and and sort of apply it to to the real world So that's just kind of what I wanted to talk to you about today I'm sure there are things that I'm missing So if you feel like you have any more questions or you want to ask me something go ahead and put them in the comments and I will try to Respond as soon as I can but just keep in mind that as You go into therapy

Your main goal is for change and Sometimes not sometimes I would say a large portion of the time Change is actually kind of awkward and kind of painful in fact Growth happens when we feel a little bit of pain and discomfort So next time you feel uncomfortable in therapy, and you really just want to quit ask yourself a few questions Is this an old pattern of mine? Maybe is am I overreacting? Maybe I should go back in and and give it another shot and give it another three sessions And see like if you can address it if you can bring it up to your therapist and let them know how it made you feel Because you entered into this relationship Nine times out of ten Most people come to therapy on their own volition Sometimes it's court-ordered I'm in private practice So I don't see a lot of court-ordered patients, but in the event of where you're seeking court-ordered therapy then maybe you don't want to be there but for the most part people that come to therapy do want to be there you chose this for a reason you chose this for yourself, so What is that reason? Why are you here today? You want change and if you run away from that change, you might just be repeating An old pattern that you weren't happy with to begin with So that was it for the sex talk if you have any questions put them in the comments down below I'll be happy to answer them I'll answer them in another video, or I'll respond to your comments, but I look forward to hearing from you and have a great day

Source: Youtube

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