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Breaking Through to Lasting Motivation Workshop

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Dave was a happy kid He loved playing with his neighbor, exploring the world around him

one of his his, he was always inquisitive One of his favorite questions was why Why are things there, why do they work He was always looking always exploring If you asked him today he would tell you that even as a child, he knew somehow he was destined for greatness

Even before he really knew what that meant He just knew there was something there Dave came from a good family His parents loved him, he got along with his brother and sisters he always had food and clothes in a warm place to live and all that kind of thing But the problem is there was something missing for Dave

He was never encouraged never encouraged to to grow to to know who he really was He never really discovered his true purpose So even though he had that good home there was there was something missing for him One of the things he grew up knowing is that it's very important to be in control For that family, emotions were scary, emotions were too vulnerable

So they were a very controlled family emotionally So he never had a chance to really explore a lot of those things If you looked at his baby pictures through grade school and high school and all that you'd notice something The smile, the happiness began to fade over time It wasn't a deep pain or a lot of hurt there, it was just more a loss of joy and inquisitiveness that kind of drained that of his life as he grew older

When he's in the fifth grade at a family Christmas party they've discovered alcohol he didn't know why but he just knew it made him feel better feel happy when he was in the ninth grade he got introduced to smoking pot and it just grabbed him he never bought it every day after that the next three years he smoked and see drugs and alcohol did a couple of magic things per day what is they allowed him to experience his emotions he could feel they could laugh he could do things that he couldn't do when he was sober and the other thing it did was it allowed him to experience – to explore his leadership skills see Dave was a natural leader people would just follow people would do what he said they would his ideas would take over people do that and he was too inhibited normally so when he would be high when he would be drunk he could explore that leadership so it released something that he really enjoyed it alone – and one of the things that it did for Dave he had this natural desire to be an entrepreneur now the problem is when you're not preneur with drugs that tends to be a pretty short-lived business so in the ninth grade they attempt ire came tumbling down when he got caught got expelled from school for the rest of the year and for the next couple of years he he wanted to be struggled he recovered from being expelled but he was never able to let go of smoking pot and drinking and all that and at least our small cigarettes along with that he tried several times he just couldn't let it go but then in the eleventh grade just because his buddies did he tried on her spring soccer and he really enjoyed it and so that fall he decided to sign up for the team and he went out for soccer he made it now if you've ever watched or played soccer but there's a ton of running in soccer so they've realized running and smoking just don't go together so he decided I need to quit smoking and he did just like that he stopped smoking cigarettes and pot and never walk back now why why was he able to do it then when four years before that he couldn't find a way to do it why is it that two people get him a heart attack or a stroke or get diagnosed with diabetes one of them makes long life lasting changes and the other one tries for a while and then falls back into the same tenets that got him in trouble in the first place that's what we're going to be exploring today as we look at breaking through these lasting motivations motivation is there everybody has motivations but we try things and it fails or an order so I'm going to be looking at what gets in the way of that how we can change those things first I want to say thank you thank you to to my cat for bringing in and give me a chance to do this thank you you guys for coming there being a little bear saying people are by now if you're talking in the living room so I'm glad there's people in the room so thanks for being here today we're going to be looking at this stuff and I think it's gonna you're gonna find it valuable important before you leave here today there's three things I want you to be able to take away we're going to be exploring what I call lower order motivations and higher ornamentations so that's a big prayer what we're looking at we're going to be looking at toxic motivations and how they block the goals they beget and then we're going to look at discovering authentic motivations and I'll be explaining each of these as we go that's what I want you to be able to have when you leave here today first thing I want you to do groups of 3 or 4 or whatever we're going to just talk about a couple of things I'm going to give you 45 seconds so it's not very long but it's one to sort of brainstorm about some of these questions going into this so the first one is just what is motivation okay so if you want to turn around and kind of get with people as soon as you can get set up I'll start the clock here so just see if you come up with the definition of 45 seconds of what is motivation right what kind of stuff did you come up with how do you define motivation it's not easy to do especially in 45 seconds what you come up with okay the will to do something starting with a goal and having the incentive incentive to achieve okay okay so there's a goal involved there's an incentive there's a wealth of desire okay what did you guys come up with I discussed the pain of staying the same is greater than the pain yeah yeah that's a motivation for people yeah it's it's hard to change but what I have now is worse so I'm going to go through the heartburn okay good good and as we're talking about some of these things kind of keep in mind we haven't talked about you have what I meet bipolar order in higher order motivations but just kind of keep that in mind as we look at what I'm gonna have you do next is why do we make lots of resolutions and that follow-through why does that I mean that happens every year all the time why does that happen we don't often think about why but talk about why then okay would you come up with for this one go ahead say that I agree why don't know why okay that's a good point and then well we'll get to that as we talk about some other things down the road but yeah that's a big one I want to do this but I'm afraid what if I do do it they've heard the idea of the dog chasing the car and then finally catches the card that says know what you know we came up with a few bullet points not creating steps to to actually complete the goal so having a big picture without action sense fear they were saying distractions like support like a discipline unattainable goals so creating a bit of a ball we're sure you don't you're setting yourself up for failure or you didn't make the goal yourself like you don't believe in it okay any other thoughts with that those are all good ideas their defense now this one kind of similar but it's a little digging a little deeper what force overcomes our desires and determination some of the things you mentioned fit in with this but think about it a little bit more what is it that's out there that you really want to do something you know you need to do something but something overcomes it all the time so go ahead and talk about that for right so which counter this one one said that force that overcomes our motivations laziness okay okay that's a good thought we're going to talk for a touch of and all of these answers along with what I do at the the college I teach a couple of psych classes I've psych 101 classes and you know it's like one on one there's tons of stuff to cover a lot of material and there's sixteen weeks but I still take two weeks to talk about motivation there's because it's so important and when I ask students these kinds of questions these are the general things that come up the way that we look at motivation what gets in the way and a lot of then what would overcome these problems might be just a little more grit a little more you know I got to kick myself and get up and do it and try harder and all that kind of thing let me give you a little different way to look at it because I think even if I try harder and push through that's I'm going to get Tiger together there's something that's it's going to go for so long they decide I'm too lazy so alright I'll gonna get up at five o'clock and I'm doing or going running or whatever the case might be there's still something that gets in the way and so that's what we're going to be talking about we're gonna kind of move from our general view of motivation operate into something a little bit a new way of looking at my god what I want you to think of for motivation I'm almost going to personify it okay think of it as a force that comes against somebody's well to move them in a certain direction okay as a person I like to think of us we have body soul and spirit sorry I lost my thought today we have a body soul and spirit the soul part you know psychology comes from soul that word but the sulfur is where the mind will and emotions are you have your mind you of your thoughts you have emotion cycle of things the will if you think of your will that's kind of the the Box he's the one in charge that can overrule emotions he takes into thinking makes the decision this is what you're going to do okay so we have will motivation is kind of an outside force that tries to influence that will to go certain ways so like I said think of it it's not and feel like getting up this morning it's not really a feeling as much as there's that motivation is something that's trained to direct me okay so think of it that way and as we look at this we talked about goals before and goals being different than motivation I want you to think of that goals are the stuff I want to do I want to get my bachelor's degree I want to get a better job I want to lose weight I want all these different things we have our goals and behind those goals our motivations and like you said it might be somebody's goal for me so the motivation might be I need to please you so I'm going to go ahead and do this and you know we've probably all tried that kind of thing that it works for a little while but then if I'm losing weight for my wife to please her what I met with her is when I need the Cheesecake you know she's not home tonight so I buy Sunday at McDonald's and bring it home and eat it real quick and throw it away at the gas station so she doesn't see that I did it you know I mean so it's not it's not internal so sad enough so we have goals and motivation now we're going to be looking at lower order motivations first lower motivations are the ones that meet their the conscious ones that come in in other words like I want to lose weight and the reason I want to lose weight the motivation is so I can fit I realized okay my clothes don't fit anymore summers coming I need to lose some weight or it comes to winter time when my jacket fit last year and I put it on a kid zip it so okay so I have a goal and a lure or motivation was to fit my pants I decide this yesterday that's where I come down and for breakfast instead of scrambled eggs and spinach they have rolls and bagels I think that really looks good and if I eat fruit it's not gonna last me till lunchtime going to be distracted I relish you get something a little heavier B so I'll have a bagel today and we don't weigh too much cream cheese on it and something is getting in the way of my motivation to eat healthier and to lose weight and okay today won't matter I'll just eat and you can kind of work through things I had this motivation to fit my pants but suddenly my pants are handsome okay I'm better than a lot of people so am i right and something derails that motivation another one get it better to have to make more money or to get more respect so the goal is to get better job the reason is to make more money it's hard to get a better job yet do your resume you have to call a bunch of people you have to do all this stuff and all this work after a while and get all these notes it gets derailed this isn't enough of a motivation to keep pushing me through a lot of times getting a degree you know how hard that is working with students that they start and so many of them quit I mean that's why a Korean was here to help keep them moving on and sure I want to get a good job but we need 15 credits or it's the where are we at like the 12 13th week somewhere in there wherever we are people start dropping because it's just been too much to want I got jobs I got this I got that hey do you mind if I turn in the assignment three weeks late because everybody's got excuses that motivation they they a good job is so far out there or whatever it's it's harder to follow through again shape just so I can look better goals and lower murder motivations and what about people who don't have any motivation people who are lazy that the teenager who dispenses hold a plate on the video game or the person that just sits at the bar they or they get they've tried to get jobs over and over and finally just give up I want you to think about I don't think that people don't have motivations they may not have the motivation that we think they should have they may not have the motivation that would be healthy for them but I do think they're all motivated you might be motivated to escape pain to avoid fear it scares the heck out of me to try another job interview when I failed so many times I tried college before in that field I've trapped relationships and they felt harder so I'm not going to put myself out there because of fear because I want to escape team so that can be a very strong motivator the kid who's playing video games all day long might be escaping the pain that might be where he's found success so he can feel good about himself so he's motivated to keep doing that comfort I feel like there's a motivation initiative to move toward comfort and when I'm upset I just had a fight with somebody I go eat comfort food well that overrules my motivation to lose weight so it's not that I want I just can't get myself motivated enough usually what we really mean by that as I can't get enough grit I can't force myself to do something that doesn't fit Who I am it's really this going on and how you see yourself is key and we're going to come to that as we look at things here higher-order motivations so we have these lower order motivations that the conscious ones that are there the ones that we first think of on what we want to do but higher order motivations are the kind of thing that overrule the lower word ones they're loud but they're in the background I grew up yeah and we had these power lines going down or over big big power lines and at first they were on wooden poles and you know now when I go back to see my folks house it's these huge metal poles you know with the lines and everything and a friend over one day he said how can you stand that noise this is what annoys well you could hear the power lines I couldn't or people that look by at a train track you know how you sleep on the wrinkles throw through everyone I don't ever hear it because you get used to it it's there it's very loud but for you it's in the background a ringing in your ears you might have ringing in your ears for weeks at a time and at first it drags you crazy but after a while you forget it's there that sort of thing so that's what these higher-order innovations are they are there you do have them but we often don't pay attention to them we're often just focused on these conscious lower orders they overshadow those lower order motivations and they can derail like I said that idea of I'm going to lose weight now but then my boss is mad at me and so I go and grab a doughnut because they're in the break room because that's what helps me feel better that then motivation that I have to be comforted overrules the motivation to fit into my pants so there's that but I don't really often think about that's the thing with the higher order motivations that's what I mean they're there in the background they're there operating but we have to force ourselves to think about them to see what's there because you can't change them if you don't even know what's there Dave who wanted I mean as a kid he wasn't thinking I want to experience my emotions I want to be more free so I'm going to use drugs to help me be free but that's what was going on his his higher-order motivation to want to be free tied in to why when I smoked pot I feel more free so that would overrule Evo you wanted to quit you quit for a while but then you'd feel so continued he decided okay I need to get high again now I can laugh and I can get fun so that would kept taking over for him even though he didn't know it was there with these higher-order motivations we need to either embrace them either alter or embrace them if you want to live your best life we're going to talk about two kinds of higher-order eliminations one of them you need to deal with you need to alter you need to get rid of the power that works for you the other one is a higher-order motivation that really fits who you are that you need to embrace and then that will give you what you need to work through so that's where we're having with us when dave-o up higher-order motivations we have toxic motivations and authentic motivations so try and picture with me as we go we've got these big your goals and these lower order not just motivations anything above that we have higher-order motivations one of one grouping of those are these toxic motivations that we'll talk about another grouping is on your authentic motivations Dave's now in college he always wanted to be a small business owner he was an entrepreneur that's just bits that was in him that was something that was there he tried it with drugs I mean you didn't just have fun smoking back he decided I want to sell I'm gonna he liked making money he like buying splitting it out making a little bit extra he loved the process of that so he always had it in him to be an entrepreneur a grade schooler needed in high school he found these a bunch of old spotlights and some switches electrical switches so heinous dad put it together and created a light show and he worked with the DJ for a while doing light shows and he made business cards and put them up on boards all over to try and get more business did a little bit of that worked with a band for a while when he was older he also while he was in high school he he did car washing business where what he would do is you'd call him and he'd come to work pick up your car take it back to his liver the spokes take back to their house wash it vacuum it take it back to work for you then give the money and come back home and so he had this apparel wash business so you get your car wash while you're at work so he that for a while created Flyers put him up around town his sister worked at the hospital so there's a lot of people there so she wouldn't sell people so he did that for me but when he was in college he started a long long business on the summertime so he could take care of the Arts again had a name for it made fliers did all that kind of stuff but there's something that you'll see in the pattern with that is give his great ideas he got starting a lot of motivation to get started on things but he didn't follow it through just a bunch of businesses that started and did never see the completion that to really take off Trinity and so there we could say maybe he was lazy maybe he just didn't have the gumption to see it through maybe he's a TV and starts new ideas and that starts another new idea he's just all over the place but there was something going out as we look at these higher-order motivations I want you to think about the physical laws that we have there's law gravity if this clicker fell out of my hand nobody's going to look up there and say okay they went that way you don't look at the ground and say they were all under the table you know the law of gravity is there we just know it's there and the law of gravity says if you drop something that falls towards the center of the earth if you take several tons of metal a couple thousand feet in the air and let it go it's going to fall so why do planes fly there's another law it's a law of aerodynamics that if you have a fuselage shape the right way and the wings the right way if you have enough resistance against it he causes that several tons of metal to fly the law of aerodynamics is a higher law than the law of gravity it doesn't make the law gravity go away but as long as that laws in operation it overcomes the law of gravity think about the higher-order motivations that they overcome those lower order motivations now they're the Toxic kind they've overcome into ray long if they're in your authentic kind they give you what you actually need to see it through to your goals so as we look at higher-order motivations they're not really about gumption or willpower they're all about your identity how do you see yourself once they saw himself as a soccer player smoking didn't fit with being it just didn't make sense so any better that's how change can happen it's an identity change so higher our motivations think about it in that way the law of gravity is overruled superseded by the law of aerodynamics now of these higher order motivations I've talked about toxic motivations and authentic motivations we're going to look at the toxic motivations first so these toxic motivations examples of this negative needs when by names what I mean in some cultures like Native Americans or in the biblical times a name was more of a sentence it was either a prophecy for you it was a reflection of who you are that sort of a thing chief Sitting Bull's a famous Native American chief when he was a kid he was the son of the chief but the name that he got was slow because he wasn't as quick to catch on to a lot of things and so he was called slow now what would that do to a person being grown up with a name of slow you know that's gonna affect everything about you well what happened is when he was 10 years old he killed his first Buffalo when he was 16 trying to tack them and he took a warrior an adult warrior off a horse with a mohawk and that changed everything and the chief whose name was said evil gave it to his son you are not sitting so that changed his identity changed it's tied in with the name weak it means as we're growing up maybe you're the problem child maybe you're the the slow and maybe you know well yeah he's just got a TV all kinds of needs that we get I'm the one that didn't fit under the play and the one that I'm just not good at sports I'm not that smart those kinds of things we get means from either other kids at school from teachers and parents these memes are toxic motivations let's say I have a goal and I have a good reason to do that goal to achieve it and I have this lower border formation that says ok I'm going to do this but I haven't mean in the back of my head that says that's not you you can't do that that's gonna overrule and it's going to keep getting in the way you can't consistently act differently than we believe you are let's say I go to the doctor I find out ok my blood pressure is high and the cholesterol is high I'm pre-diabetic I need to lose 50 pounds but what I see myself as well let's look at this here false beliefs Who I am I'm a fat guy who's gonna try really hard to lose some weight how's that going to work I'm gonna go to the gym who wore myself after half forward treadmill with the pizza because I mean that's what I did that's who I am whatever then that gets in the way of those goals those are those needs that where we were we picked up the false beliefs we know about ourselves inaccurate identities you have so much more on your side so much more going for you than you realize and we have these inaccurate who we are and what's possible for us yesterday we've talked about the elephant idea when they dream baby elephants he put something around their ankle in just a rope just big enough to keep the baby elephant type of the state it pulled some bulls and poles they can't get away when it's an adult elephant that seemed little rope will keep it there because it's convinced I can't pull it out even though could just walk away they took plank and put him in a big fish tank with a lot of minerals they were running around eating all the minerals in the party then they put a glass down the middle of Hill the plank on one side and minerals on the other and the paint would move into the glass and he'd do it enough times till he bruised his nose up and then he quit trying then they lifted it up and the Middle's could swim right around his face and he wouldn't even try to eat him because he's got this identity I can't even minnows and that happens to us is those identity comfort can be a toxic motivation it's not wrong to be comforted obviously but if I have a motivation that I have to have comfort as soon as they get to the edge of my comfort zone I run back because of this this feels wrong this doesn't feel good so you know maybe it's just with wanting to learn how to be meat people more wanting to have a little better job usually apply for it let me think on somebody else deserves a morning run way or they come for food idea comfort can be a toxic motivation for us for distraction when life gets hard that they just I want to be distracted we're in a relationship we're having a fight and I go watch football you know I mean I'm going to get distract myself without all the food with work and that distraction becomes a motivation that overcomes even desires the good desires that I have as Dave grew up he started looking at some of this stuff started discovering some of his toxic motivations that he had he found out he said you know he did these memories from childhood that kind of seemed totally unrelated but if you look at him and really kind of get into it you realize wow there was that was a really significant that's why I remember it he had a memory of talking to his principal when he's in seventh eighth grade they had apparently taken an IQ test now he didn't remember that taking the test but he remembers this little 20-second talk with the principal when he said hey how did I do all my IQ test and principal said oh no we never tell students how they do it was real anyway to get proud okay so then he just kind of wandered off and forgot about it but after the seeing that in his memory he started remembering too that his mom often said just seemed like out of the blue of the time that he makes sense I would never want a child who's a genius because they always have a hard time making friends they they don't fit in so I wouldn't want to tell this Jim she said that several times over over time and at the time it was like okay you know was that about as he started working through this he realized wait a second why do I remember these things why are these significant to me and so he decided to take an IQ test now at the time you've scared to death to do it because he didn't see himself as smart in fact when he took he got asked to be at a school in an AP class and he started it but because he didn't see himself as a PE he dropped the class says bounce again kind of water weight took that in first place the teacher saw it in him and asked him to do it but it didn't fit with him so he's scared to take an IQ test cuz he's afraid what if I find out an equally average and all this time I thought maybe there's something special about me there's math well he took the IQ test he has 136 IQ which was genius love which fits with wow I wonder if think of that back then and they told my parents but my parents were afraid of it so they squashed it and so this followed me on my life and I always felt like not very smart so he struggled with that through there so that toxic motivation that was in there for him another one he was given the mean for him name was that you're a dreamer he's very creative kid but for them for his family dreamer wasn't a good name you know was your you know your slough off if you tell them his ideas and his fantasies in his plans they would listen but just kind of okay you know that's nice so he's walking through moon forget about because it's never gonna happen anyway and so he was given that kind of a name and for him then that became part of what would get the way of following through I had this great idea for a job for a business but as I get goin and it gets a little bit tough no you know I'm just a dream Prince it's never going to happen anyway and so it go away then it would rise up and do a different business and that just got a company going throughout his career that's when he started and stopped or started all these businesses just kind of let him die out he didn't know how to push through the hard time because it didn't fit his identity I'm just a dream or anyway he um though the emotions for him that were blocked the belief that those inaccurate the false beliefs that emotions are dangerous emotions are bad you need to be in control of your emotions if if you let your emotions out somebody might laugh at you and then they get the upper hand we need to keep the upper hand but just being very stoic and so that became an issue for him where there's a time in high school he remembered he broke up with somebody and he was talking to a friend and they said I can't believe you're not sad he said I can't cry I'd like to but I can't I just think I quit right so his emotions were so contained because of that so those false beliefs got in the way so you have this higher-order motivation these toxic motivations that in spite of his best efforts to change wouldn't allow him to you change her a little while but when these beliefs are there and that's what your identity is you can't contradict that for very long well we're going to do one of the things we wanted to with these toxic motivations to discover what they are so I've got an activity there's two sides of that we're gonna do the discovering toxic motivations first and what I'm going to do is just give you a minute to walk through once everybody gets them out I'll explain the questions and so forth in a situation like this it's tough I know I've been out there to write down something ethical personal do you start get these feelings everybody's looking over my shoulder and seeing what I'm writing and that's cool if you want to just do a couple of notes right now to take it home and work through later and in a few minutes it's going to be tough to do this but what I want to do is at least just trigger some some thoughts going this way because if we can figure out what this tax formations are to us it can help us to then overcome them to work through that process so the first question I'm here and I'll do these one at a time and just give you a couple minutes in between to work under pressure so let's do them together one at a time that first one write down the first things that came to mind when I started talking about negative things or false beliefs or inaccurate identities what what came to mind for you as we looked at those that second one first let yourself think about a secret dream they have one they only tell your closest friends one that if it keep true would make your whole life perfect so think about that let yourself feel what that is for you maybe it's get a doctor maybe it started visits maybe it's moving to Hawaii maybe it's whatever that it is that that one thing that really would do it for you as you move towards a street in your mind allow yourself to hear the voices talking to you in the back your mind listen to the ones that are trying to block you from moving toward that dream and then write those down cost too much money there's no way that can happen what about your parents whatever whatever those just let yourself go toward that dream even break down the voices and then that last one think about the last big goal or resolution that you made maybe it was to lose 20 pounds study for a certification write every day in your journal what got in the way of that hopefully this can kind of get the wheels moving a little and like I said take this one with you and spend some time thinking through this see what those things are for you because those are those behind-the-scenes higher-order motivations toxic motivations that are derailing the goals that you make with the best intentions of your lower-order motivation that dark line I'm going to do this I'm going to cap the grit I'm going to try I'm going to make it happen this time this comes in and it blows it away what we need to do with these as we discover them is remain them you remember here first speech class in college I was just required inhibited kind of person I hit my speech class she kept trained to get me to be more outgoing or whatever more to speak better I guess literally her ultimate appraisal of me one day she told me you know John I've ever met you had a party I wouldn't want to come over and talk with you so she told me he really should never speak in public that was my college professors evaluation of me and speech class so that had to be rewritten for me you know I love doing this and to have a professional tell you yeah I wouldn't want to talk to the party you know that's that's a toxic motivation that gets in the way that's an identity thing all those kind of things they have to be you have to grab onto it with really evaluate them and then rewrite them in some way one way to overrule them is with your authentic motivations your authentic motivation some examples of it that back to the the people that had the heart attack and the stroke decided to they made this long life change say they changed who they are you can have the motivation that okay I got to lose weight so I don't get diabetes I have to eat better so I don't have another heart attack you can have there there there but if that's all there is that's still the guy that that eventually goes back and eats the same way after a year because you know I really like ice cream so I'll be alright I mean first why can they have a place like general opinion to you know that kind of thing an example of any motivations I'm going to live now I don't just mean I don't want to die I mean and I want to live I don't just want to die young and I want to live to be 92 or 110 and when I get to that age I want to be healthy I want to live I want to experience life while I'm here I want to know my kids and grandkids I want to enjoy the work I do and what to live that's an authentic motivation that overrules the toxic motivations that's a way to rewrite them I tap into this off anymore vision that more than anything I want to live and I start changing the beliefs of Who I am because these affect my identity and then I come down and there's only bagels and fruit I think we all just need a little extra fruit that we'll go over to lunch so I'll be fine now because I'm trying really hard not to eat bagels but because bagels no longer fit with my identity of who I am because I want to live the people who live in a certain way and that's why I have no that's not any motivation your secret dreams the ones you don't listen to anymore once you've had as a kid and you got rid of because you grew up and you know this is like those secret dreams Dave's desire to be a business owner it was a secret dream that he realized you know what the best thing to do is probably work for somebody not that smart anyways there probably should be a manager I'll just just get a job if I get a good job will be fine but what are the secret community those deep knowings inside they've always knew there was something special all of you have something special and you know it you may have blocked it out over the years you may have quieted it over the years because it can't happen that's not really for me that's just you know of course who wouldn't want that you know everybody wants to be an NBA player so my dream is just like that everybody once said so you downplay it but you get this deep knowing inside of you that's your authentic motivation you gotta create a destiny you were created for something in this world you're not just happenstance you were created to change your world in some way you were put in your world you weren't born in the other I mean I think I don't think maybe if you where you came here you're here you weren't you would put here for a reason there's a world that you're a part of they you have a destiny to affect in some way now some of the attributes of your authentic motivations some of the things you need to keep in mind because the lower armor ones come in go really quick because there's not a whole lot of depth to them I want to fit my genes okay you know that's cool or maybe I'll diet for a couple weeks since they're feeling better but you know they come and go really quick authentic motivations are different so there's a couple things that you need to keep in mind about the attributes first of all they demand ongoing life-altering behaviors and not any motivation of I want to live and the way I was talking isn't just about I'm going to eat less for the next six months or I'm going to exercise more until summertime where you know what I mean you know athletic motivation demands I'm going life-altering behaviors I'm going to become a different person if you grab onto your authentic motivations they are going to change and you have to be ready for that maybe it's a good thing but it's a serious thing it's changing it and changes your identity that's a change at the very core of who you are and these authentic motivations require and identity change and it's not just for the next little bit as long as I have the energy this is what I'm going to now be for the rest of my life it's a life altering identity change that they require and the other thing is they do attention in other words let's say I realize okay you know I went in and I'm pre-diabetic so I really needed to take care of my body better I've realized that alphabetical it dad to my kids that's you know I've got two or three kids and I really don't spend enough time with him I spend too much time at work and they've always had this passion to start my own business if I try and take all three of those authentic motivations at once and put them to work it's going to kill me I might have to decide one over the other let's say I decide okay I'm going to be a better dad that's who I am I'm not just the busy guy who doesn't know how to talk to his teenage kids I'm a dad I have it in me to be able to relate to my kids that's who I am I'm gonna find out what that means I'm going to grow into that and I allowed that authentic motivation to take over and change me and then as I do that maybe my desire is started a non-profit I say hey kids let's do this together and so then I implore it imply that that motivation is neither employed or imply but anyway I take it and I work that motivation now as I'm building my relation with the kids I do that I guarantee as you're doing this you're gonna start eating healthier your weights gonna adjust you know all that kind of thing but then after then you can say okay I need to really know focus on I'm a healthy person and so but if you try to do everything at once it's overwhelming because authentic motivations to change an identity is an every moment thing especially at first I'm reaching for that don't I say wait a second that's not who I am anymore I have to it's it's tough to make that change it's a conscious effort so you can't change everything at once so I get that life altering change it takes her attention it's not necessarily a lot of willpower there really isn't willpower it's a change in our thinking a change in my belief of Who I am it's a lot of work to change why believe I am but I've been trying really hard to act differently I'm trying to change how I see myself and then if I change I see myself actions will follow and the athlete gets up and goes running every day so as they change and become an athlete of my identity I'll start working out more because that's what athletes do so it's that kind of thing I don't try to change the behavior I try to change the identity and you grab on to that authentic motivation for you Dave came to a point where he started discovering his authentic motivations he found out by doing that IQ test that he actually is worth now it's still took you know a couple of years to embrace that at first it was not on the psychologist like he probably skewed in a certain way or I bet if I took it again you know then I would be a lot lower so all these thoughts of well okay IQ tests aren't necessarily an indicator of a whole lot anyway and it took him a long time to get through those false beliefs and false identity to really embrace that well I do have a good mind I really enjoy about my mind works and pride didn't come out satisfaction came out of it self-appreciation came out of it thankfulness came out of it wow this is how I made I get to do this so he realized enjoying who you are doesn't bring pride he worked through that he took that idea of being a dreamer and he reworked it and he embraced it as yes I'm a dreamer dreamer has changed the world that's not a bad thing to be a dreamer so he was able to take his name that mean false name I was given to him and embrace it and turn it into a good thing I might need to take that name that the name of for Dave of not being very smart he had to change that rewrite it but some of them you embrace and for him as a dreamer he said yes I am a dreamer I have great ideas a very creative I think of new things so he embraced those authentic motivations he realized okay I'm an entrepreneur I like starting things whether it's a new project at work or starting a new business that's who I am it might and that's okay don't want you and even if I'm gonna kind of person that gets it started and gets a role and put somebody in charge and if I go start some balance that's okay that doesn't mean a flaming that just means I like crazy so he embraced those motivations that he had so what we need to do is discover first what our pending motivations are so on the backyard and again don't page you got it flip it over on the men seemed kind of process for this one so first the first question I think back to grade school of a school what was an accomplishment that made you feel proud or good about yourself you know maybe you made it on the basketball team maybe you have a solo and band whatever something that really made you feel good about yourself so then you're gonna write that down and then answer the following questions what was it about that activity that made you feel good was it that you pushed through something difficult were a nice a group completed a presentation what was it about that that felt good did you enjoy working together with the team were working alone was it the process that brought joy or the fact that you've finished it that gave you the feelings of accomplishment and then look for patterns that you see in there so take a bed and pendant think of an accomplishment in high school create school that really they grab you that you enjoy and then kind of work through some of those questions the second question is if you ask your friends to describe you what would they say you haven't have a hard time seeing herself through our own classes how would your friends describe that can give you a hint to who you are they might say a really nice person I might say you're a funny person you might say her of our worker what would your friends say your real friends the third one who do you look up to and then you know some things some of you look up to what characteristics does this person have that causes you to admire them I think we tend to look up to people that are a higher version of ourselves in our lives so the characteristics that you respect and this person are probably in you and just need to be drawn out and then number four if you could do anything and don't consider income present bility or inhale your obstacle what would it be with that last one we want to think about is um what is it about that what are the attributes of that sort of a thing like you make what I'd like to be an astronaut or I'd like to play professional baseball or basketball well at this point life I'm not going that's that's just not in the cards for me but what is it about that that draws me so much maybe it's the exploration maybe it's pushing myself to the limits maybe it's so a lot of time this could just give you a hint toward what some of your real motivations are and then my aesthetic motivations even come up with a couple to write on them as you look at this as you kind of see what you just process what pops out for you is some authentic motivation well we've taken three minutes to work through this think about what this could do for you if you sat down on a evening or a weekend it had a half hour an hour or full afternoon to really think through some of this stuff both the toxic site and the authentic style encourage you to give yourself some time to really work through the subdiver side come back in a week look at it again some more and see what that is for you if you think about the authentic motivations are going to give you what you need to rewrite those toxic motivations and then that supersedes those lower-order motivations but to get to this you kind of have to go the other way you start with realizing okay this is a lower available motivation what's really in my hat where are those thoughts that I'm feeling and you have to face those toxic motivations before you can really embrace the authentic oh I got a face that those are there I have to see wow that is how I'd see myself and and every time I'm up in front talking I'm hearing mr Sears say wow I never won't even talk to you at a party so that I out of anything oh they don't wanna hear nevermind okay okay and that's how I would actually be as I start telling story and my thought is they don't want to hear it said say well you know what stuff like that they just thought my stories let you talk and I became really good at being a listener so that helped me be a counsellor grated drying it out of you so I don't get the attention but I had seen that toxic motivation to then be able to embrace the other so the authority comes this way but the discovery comes the other direction and so it is a process let's say that's a good analogy with our motivations we need to embrace them once you find them even if it scares you to death and it's just it is the Honorable you're not gonna say okay I'm gonna quit my job be an artist you're say I'm gonna make a space so that I can start being Who I am and as you embrace them they'll make room for expanse so we need to embrace those we need to go through that identity change and as you're working with students that's part of what a big pair of what you'll be doing is they start seeing that it's not just a quick thing I'm okay I guess I need to just change the the career that I'm going into what's behind that what's really there and then start embracing who you are to make that identity change so that's part of the answer to that and then we get the local go ahead and be who you are be who you were created to be and it's scary and it doesn't fit at first you feel like you're a phony you know I'm acting I'm living as if I'm an athlete when I know that I'm really not well know this is where I really oh I know I really have an artist and as if that's true and as time goes on your feelings start coming into line with you we are choosing to believe that you are and then your feelings will come along and then it'll be a lot easier to do what you do but we need to live them it's a it's an active thing it's very tough it's not more willpower but it's choosing to change how I believe ourselves and that's the work of this once I discover it then the work starts and I'm going to choose to change how I believe

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