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HERE ARE THE WORLD'S NEWS

BREAKING NEWS: Mr. Peanut MURDERED

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(dramatic music) – Breaking news, in a shocking revelation from documents obtained by WikiLeaks, the world has learned that Mr Peanut, long time spokesnut for Planters Nuts, did not fall to his death but was in fact murdered in a highly orchestrated hit by none other than the rooster himself

Shortly after the Super Bowl we learned that contained in the nearly 3,000 pages of leaked documents was indisputable evidence that Mr Peanut was not just a spokesnut for an iconic food brand, but in fact a Russian agent working at the direction of Vladimir Putin and the Kremlin to infiltrate the American food system and murder innocent Americans through anaphylaxis and diabetes While news of Mr Peanut's Russian allegiances will come as a shock to many, the evidence is indisputable We go now to an exclusive interview with Agent Rooster from an undisclosed government safe house

Agent Rooster, what can you tell us about your role in the death of Mr Peanut? – Well, no one was ever supposed to know the truth To cover my tracks I hired Wesley Snipes to transport Mr Peanut to the safe house where the plan was to put him through the nutcracker and extract Russian intelligence from him However, while transporting Mr

Peanut to the extraction point, Wesley Snipes thought he saw a vampire and swerved suddenly causing him and Mr Peanut to be thrown from the vehicle onto the tree limb Concerned Mr Peanut might escape, I grabbed my BB gun and started shooting at Mr Peanut's little fingers, forcing Mr

Peanut to fall to his death I mean, there are 15 grams of fat and 180 calories in two little tablespoons You'd have to eat five bags of Rooster and Lark just to come close to that many calories and would still be healthier than two tablespoons of Mr Freaking Peanut – All I can say– – I'm sorry Agent Rooster, we're going to have to cut you off there as this network does not allow shameless plugs on its broadcasts

Well, it's been a tumultuous day for everyone here at Rooster HQ and we can all be relieved that comrade Peanut has finally been held accountable for his treachery I'm Aaron Falber and this is Rooster Roundup, we'll see you next time (dramatic music) – And God bless America

Source: Youtube

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