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What's up guys This is Wenzes, welcome back to my channel where we talking about creating an Epic life on your terms, and today we're talking about breaking free from codependency and as you can imagine, most people who watch my video have some kind of codependent past as I have because those things, the lessons that I learned within that, within everything that actually happened within my codependent relationships, all the pain that I was facing, all the lessons I was able to learn from that they catapulted me to a life that I never thought was possible

It can really be the key to your Epic life So I really want to share with you my lessons learned because there's one aha moment, one moment I recognized that this is what I have to change, and once I changed that, everything else happened Of course there are still steps I had to do after that, but the direction was set I knew where to go and I knew what I had been doing that didn't serve me, that didn't help me become the person I want to be So stay tuned because we're really going to talk about this in detail

Before we get started, I want to remind you, if you want to know more about the concept of creating an Epic life on your terms, then definitely check out the Epic life masterclass You can watch the free webinar or download the five pillar poster if you want to have some more information beforehand and if you want to work with me privately and tackle the things that are going on in your life specifically, you find everything in the link on one on one coaching, all the information you find below in the description My biggest aha moment when it came to codependent relationships and the thing that actually changed absolutely everything So you have to understand all my relationships changed When you're somebody who is codependent, it's not something you haven't only one relationship and then in no other in your life

Yes, there are tendencies like most of the time you have it in your intimate relationship, but that is because this is where you can get most of your needs met Those are the things that are most important to you But you still see that the kind of dynamic in some kind of sort, you have it in every relationship in your life and the moment you start stepping out of it, you'll see how all your relationships would change My friendships changed Even people I've been friends with for 10 years, the dynamic is completely different

I used to feel like I know everything about that person That person was my best friend I was really eager to make them feel good because I love doing that, but I really did it at the expense of my own wellbeing So of course once I stepped out of that, I understood what was going on and I changed the dynamic I didn't have those relationships anymore

I still love my best friend We're still close, but I have no idea what's going on in her deepest thoughts the way I used to be able to do that years ago So this is really something we have to be okay with We have to be okay with understanding that it's not necessary for us to understand everything that's going on with the people around us It's not necessary for us to understand them that deeply because that energy that you're focusing on understanding others, that is the energy that you are lacking within yourself to build something that is stable, that is just for you and that nobody can take

That is the biggest aha moment I had It was that I really understood that my main focus is on what that person thinks and feels is the other person just as concerned with what's going on inside of me, what I'm thinking, what I want You know what? Even if they wanted to, there's no way they could have known because I didn't even know what I wanted You know what most codependents have in common? We are neglecting ourselves We're neglecting our needs because it's just too painful to actually look at our life, the way we are creating it outside of the people that we're in relationships with and to see that this is actually not enough

We're scared to look at our life because of the pain we will face once we recognize this truth That is the thing that actually woke me up I wasn't a relationship where I gave so much of myself I really did absolutely everything I can to be good to the other person to help them I neglected everything about myself

I really got myself in a position where I thought I have to do is just be tolerated I just won't bother the other person How can I bother them? I do everything that they want, but in the end it never is enough It never is enough because what that person wants, what that person needs, the only person who can give that to that person is that person themselves So if it would work, if you would be able to give that person what they need all the time and they would give you all the love and the appreciation you would love, you know, go forward

I wouldn't say anything, but that just doesn't work It doesn't really help you in any capacity and it doesn't help the other person either That person can only save themselves And most of the time, while we feel I have to be the one who saves them, it's because we don't believe that they can do that for themselves And why do we believe that this is classic projection? We believe that because we don't feel we can be the ones who can save ourselves

We can be the ones who can create amazing things for our life and the way we've been living our life Of course, that doesn't feel possible there reasons why we've become codependent It can be any kind of relationships that we had in our childhood It could be relationships that were lived out in front of us when we were children The younger we are, the more we take on these things

It isn't anybody's fault, but now we're adults Now we can change something about it And unless we understand that this is something that we create, that we keep on living out, then nothing's gonna change I you are you not more concerned with how the other person feels than how you feel? Is this the case? Is this really what's going on in your mind? Then you know you have to change something See, in the last video I talked about the vessel energy we have and unless we actually start giving to ourselves, we won't be able to grow, become a bigger person and be able to help others

If we help others out of the pendency, it is always coming from a point of sacrifice It always comes from a point of scarcity and there's not much more you can give You'll deplete yourself and then you wonder why your life is not improving You can only give what you already have So how do we change that dynamic? How do we become that person who actually has a cup of energy that overflows and then we can give to others while we focus on ourselves? See, in my first videos, I always had this image that I used and that I created for myself, which was that I had created a vacuum and that vacuum of energy I had always felt with other people's energy

I always wanted other people's thoughts, beliefs, what they care about to be the thing that goes on in my mind You know, as we said, because I didn't want to focus on me, but then I recognize I can't do that I have to build that up for myself You know? We're not going to go into it Why I was so scared to do it, why I had such pain associated with the fact to start building something up for myself

We can go into it in detail in another videos if you want to watch something on this How was able to overcome this and definitely comment below, but for now, let's just say I was able to go through that I was actually able to go through that because I had no other choice It was a very painful realization that I had to fight for myself because the consequence was that I really believed if I start fighting for myself, if I fill that vacuum up with what I am, you know what's going to happen? Nobody's going to love me Nobody's gonna accept me

Nobody's gonna tolerate me and definitely nobody's going to want to be around me because then why would they? I'm only focused on myself and the image I had in my mind so far is that the only way I could be appreciated is if I do something for others You know, I'm now, I can tell you that's not the case Actually, you showing up as your best version, growing yourself from within and filling up this vacuum with your own energy to a point where you say, up until this point, this is just mine No matter who comes into my life, I will not adapt this This is my self image

This is who I am and I keep building on it and this part becomes actually bigger and bigger And the more I do that, the more energy I can give to myself And if I do that, I don't need to make any kind of sacrifices on anything just to have other people's respect or appreciation because you keep building that vacuum up, you have more energy, you keep building your cup up, your cup up full of energy, and then your energy starts overflowing and then you only give of what you have more than enough of And then you create great relationships out of you being completely yourself and you actually connect with people without sacrificing one little bit of who you are So this is what really helped me to break out of codependency, understanding this concept

So how do we start this? Because this sounds like really hard and it can be, if you put too much on your plate, imagine you'll fish in a stream and you're always pulled into this direction How are you supposed to know what's on the other side? What's maybe in another river somewhere where you do things for yourself You don't know how to do that and it's going to be hard to actually step out of that stream that's always pushing in this direction and to say, I'm going to stay here I'm going to start building something for myself, which will help me to create a pond or Lake that gives me the opportunity to just flow in any kind of way I want and I'll still be accepted It works if you're being consistent and you make slow incremental changes to your life

So the first thing we have to do is to understand that we have to matter It's always about us So if you, for example, in a situation where there's somebody you like and they don't like you back or they don't give you the feedback, you would hope for that It's not about understanding what that person really wants and adapting to that, but to understand, I'm the center of my life, I'm the person that has to be the biggest and most important part of my life and which person makes sense within that I'm building something for me

I'm building not only my self image but actually my life And then I pick out who fits into that Yes, there will be compromises but never on your integrity, not on who you want to be And if you focused on changing yourself for another person, you already know that this is not the way, although your mind might tell you, this is the exact right person for you They're perfect

They know exactly what you want Know your image of them is great, but that's not who they really are And on top of everything, you're not supposed to adapt yourself for them They're supposed to come to you and if you feel like they have no idea who I am, how are they supposed to know that? This is one more reason why you should start building on yourself And the first thing you can do is to start understanding what you actually like and then focusing on your preferences

I always like to use the example of going to the movies I used to be somebody I went to the movies with my friends and then never ever cared about what we watched My friend wanted to watch that movie Great, let's watch that

I really don't care about it, but that was about absolutely everything in my life The only thing I cared about is just that the people around me were happy, but what I wanted, I didn't even know I didn't know what kind of fashion I liked I didn't know what kind of decoration I like I didn't know what kind of things I love to do because my focus was just away from that because once, once I was forced to really look at myself, I was really devastated because then I understood there's nobody going to come that's going to save me

It's not that my life is going to be exciting once I'm with another person, they have an exciting life and then I'm going to be excited The price you have to pay are just too high It is never how it is in your fantasy and it will never be on your terms, but the good thing is that you have learned how to understand Other people That is a skill that can help you in life and if you actually just set up boundaries to say, well, I might help people but I'm not going to help the people in my like closest surrounding because this is just too close for me

I need to have like those boundaries of if I help people, it will be people that are a little bit further away For example, through doing some kind of social work or having a job or a hobby or something that is dear to my heart where I can help people where we have the necessary distance, but now in my life when it comes to me and my friends and my family, of course I'm going to be the center of my life Even if you have children, you're going to be a center of your life If you have a husband or wife, you're going to be the center of your life If you have any kind of friends who need you, you're still going to be the center of your life because first off you're going to be a great role model for them

You're going to show them how they can step up for themselves because in the end you can't save anybody You can just be a representation of what they can be for themselves And second of all, if you're really fight for yourself first, you can become a bigger person You can actually do much more I can help my friends on such a bigger scale than I was able to years ago

Although back then I knew exactly what they wanted because now I just have that much more energy when they are in my presence, they can actually pick themselves up by seeing me and connecting with me and connect with me in a way where they have to be a bigger version of themselves in order to make that connection that helps them to actually pick themselves up So how do you become a person who focuses on yourself? You go to the movies, how I said, and you tell yourself, I really don't care about any of those movies, but if I cared, what would I watch? And you make it a point that you do this with absolutely everything What would you eat? What kind of decoration you want in your house, what kind of flowers do you want, and you start creating a life based on that It's not going to be perfect You got to understand with little bit of experience that it might be a little different than what you thought it would be, the things that you actually like

But if you don't start focusing on that and leaning into this, you will never become a person who is aware of what you actually want We can completely disassociate from ourselves This is a great way to protect ourselves Maybe when we're in a really stressful situation, when we're children and it's the safest thing to focus on what others want, but now we're adults and we're responsible for our own life so we can make that shift We can use everything we learned from this codependency in a great way by actually focusing on us, telling ourselves, while all the things I cared about when he came to everybody around me

I'm going to apply it to me first and you'll really create something that is untouchable for anybody and you'll see that this can be adaptable So if you don't know what your preferences are, who you really want to be, don't worry so much You will get better at this But if you don't start, you'll never ever make progress And the moment you start doing this, you'll see how it will become natural to you

It'll become second nature It will feel good and it will give you energy and make you want to improve even more I believe if you've come from a codependent dynamic, no matter what it was in your life, and if you kept repeating this, you have tremendous chances and opportunities to create an amazing life for yourself because once you're able to make that shift, you're able to do anything that is really the core of my teachings You can actually teach your mind what to focus on, get excited about it and create amazing things in the future Another great thing

They'll definitely help you and heal you from codependency and break off from it forever is if you start giving yourself presence, everything you always wanted from friends, from a romantic relationship, from your parents, you give that to yourself You want somebody to buy flowers, start buying flowers for yourself, feel good about it I used to be somebody who always said, well, I don't need flowers It doesn't make me feel good It's nothing special

But once I started buying myself flowers and I saw how pretty they are and how great they make me feel, I actually started teaching my mind that it's a positive thing to focus on me because up until this point you have to understand as a codependent, your entire mind is focused on let's not focus on me because once we focus on me, two things can happen First off, I'm a target People will actually see me and then they will nag me They will criticize me I'll never be good enough

And if I focus on me, I cannot focus on the other person And if I cannot focus on the other person, how can I make sure that I don't do anything on accident? They'll make burst out in anger See, those things are happening on a subconscious level, but they keep on happening over and over again and we have to break free from that And we do that while actually focusing on ourselves, focusing on improving our life And you'll see how you start getting excited about it

You know? So often I say most people do this when they really have no other choice because they really don't feel how this is going to make them feel better It's so much easier to actually focus on what that other person wants and to adapt myself and then maybe they will want to be with me Maybe they will want to be my partner, my friend or my family, whatever it is I just have to try a little bit harder and I don't see how anything else is going to make me feel better when this is the only thing I want, but that is just a lie we keep telling ourselves because as I said, if it would work, it would have worked already So really make that shift

Start focusing on what you want, make those little changes and you'll see tremendous improvement in all your relationships All of them will change It will be more focused on you You will have to be the center of your life, the leading character of your movie, and you'll start loving it If you want to know more about creating an Epic life on your terms, then definitely check out the Epic life masterclass

You can watch the free webinar before that or download the five pillars to an Epic life poster And if you want to work me privately and tackle the things that are going on in your life specifically, then check out all my information on one-on-one coaching, all the information you find below And if you want to watch another video now that is in tune with today's topic, then watch my video on how to make consistent progress, even if you're lazy, because there you going to focus on actually improving yourself, building yourself up, and it will be that much easier to resist everything that makes you feel like you can't have what you want Like always, guys, I wish you a wonderful day, a great week, and I talk to you next time Bye

Source: Youtube

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