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Breaking Down Your Group Of Friends At School | Ladhood now on iPlayer

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BELL RINGS It was the final day of the school year and we were all in the mood for some classically formative experiences This was my gang

In order of coolness, by which I mean the average number of cigarettes we each smoked per day, there was Adnan Masood, AKA AddyRalph Robertsand Tom "Craggy" Cragg And this was me, just sitting on a table thinking, I assume, knowing me It's quite hard to visually demonstrate thinking, isn't it? Yeah, that's better Lot fresher-faced then, of course But then that is what circa 10,000 pints of cheap lager will do to you

And of course, we all picture ourselves being slightly better looking in our memories, don't we? So, you know, just go with it Going for the arm bar! No chance, dickhead! Will you two pack it in? You're doing me head in! Yeah, we both know you're soft as shit Yeah, well at least we're not thick as shit! And actually end up going to uni and try to do something with our lives instead of spending the next decade just managing a coke habit, Ralph! Sorry, got carried away there Don't know why I did that That was bad and snobbish and I won't do it again

They can't hear me, by the way As the cooler/more carcinogenically exposed members of the group, Adnan and Ralph had big ambitions for the summer, involving two girls, names of Rachel Fielder and Cassie McClaire Cassie, it was agreed, was almost the coolest, most fanciable girl in the school, second only to Rachel Fielder Rachel's coolness partly lay in her knowing and singing the best new songs before anyone else On this particular day, it was Never Leave You by Lumidee

HE MUTTERS EXCITEDLY They're coming, they're coming! Fuck up, man! Hi, Ralph Hi, Ralph Rachel I'm Rachel Ralph

You're Rachel, I'm Ralph Yeah, I know So, how are you keeping, then? How's she keeping?! You sound like my uncle, and he's dead I'm keeping all right, thanks Maybe see you down Glebelands tonight? Yeah

Yeah, yeah, yeah, defo I'll see you then, then What's that song that you've been singing today? Never Leave You by Lumidee She's sick and she's going to be a star, like her peer Beyonce's also going to be Cool, cool one

Sick one HE CLEARS HIS THROAT Ey up, Cassie Give us a fuckin' cig, Addy Yeah, sure You

You can have two if you like Can I have 'em all? Course Cheers

In a bit Cassie's so fuckin' fit I want to jump off a footbridge Tut Even as a youth, unlike Addy, I would never objectify women in this way Yeah

Absolute stun-bucket, mate Addy, we went four ways on them cigs! Shut up, Craggy! I get me pocket money tonight I'll get more Hey, Ralph, you really fucked up your chance to impress Fielder there What do you mean? You hardly said owt to her, didn't you? Yeah, and what you did say were fuckin' stupid! Shut up, Craggy! I'm not like that, am I? Some lads, they just like to talk and talk and talk

That's not me My two penn'orth, yeah? Birds talk Lads only say shit when shit needs actually saying Rachel knows that a real man will just sit there, yeah? And not try and impress her and do his own thing, do you know what I mean? And she respects me cos that's me I've never

I've never talked too much, never blabbed on, do you know what I mean? I don't like big conversations I don't do it I never have done

I never will do Know what I mean? I-I-I'm strong, but silent Yeah Forever End of

Right, it's just that Whitey's chatting her up and she seems to be enjoying it Our antagonist, the villain of the piece – Matthew White He went by Whitey, even to his parents He was renowned for once having nutted a train conductor for having the neck to ask to see his ticket She won't fall for his bullshit

She seems to be falling for it pretty hard Shut up, Craggy Look, Ralph, it's normal to feel pissed off when you've been rejected What the fuck are you, Liam, some sort of fucking therapist or something? I'm only trying to help! He's looking over, Ralph Yeah

I'll smack him if he looks over again Will you fuck, Ralph! Yeah, I will, Craggy Ralph! Hey, get off him, man Ralph! Get off him! BELL RINGS Addy, you better have them cigs by tonight, mate

Source: Youtube

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