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Breaking Britain – Full Movie


(gentle electronic music) – Two years ago I had the most important fight of my whole entire life And I lost

Well, actually what I really did was take a dive Which, it's fair to say, didn't exactly best please the fight's promoter, Teddy Toddsworth Particularly 'cause by throwing a fight, I also cheated him out of a shitload of his hard earned cash So understandably, I ran as far as I could from Teddy's stomping ground, before I ended up on the wrong end of one of his stompings So this has been me for the last two years, living off my takings and hiding out here, in Paradise fucking City

– [Narrator] Breaking Britain Breaking Britain Breaking Britain Breaking Britain (gentle instrumental music) Yeah, emphasis on the ex if you don't mind

See, changing habitats can do strange things to a man I feel like a different person now, I really do I look back at all the things I did, the people I hurt, and it seems like someone else's memories Someone far more brutal and fucked up and dangerously unbalanced than me Smack a ga ga Smack a ga ga – Home of the whopper, what's your beef? – [Man] Patrick Saint George? – Yeah

– Your Dad's dead – Do what? – He's hopped the twig, taken a ride on the pale white horse, gone for a Burton, dead – If this is a wind up I find out my father ain't dead I'm gonna be seriously fucking upset – It ain't no wind up, trust me – So what happened to my old man? – Word on the street is, he was murdered

– Murdered? – That's right, by Teddy Toddsworth – Well you can tell that rotter I'm coming for him, and when I find him I'm gonna rip his ears off and I'm gonna shove them up his bloody peehole I'm gonna stick drawing pins under his fingernails and force him to take highly demanding piano lessons up to grade six standard Lucky dip please, Joe I'm gonna freeze that bastard in carbonite and feed him to the fucking Banthas

Sorry about this Christos, my Dad's just been murdered, I'm swearing revenge Yeah, I'm gonna, hello? Hello? Ah, he's hung up Rude Not the best start to a Friday morning, it's fair to say But little did I know, at a nearby wedding was a somewhat, unfocused character, who over the next two days, would change my life forever

– Are we recording? Bruv are you recording? Alright, message for the broo, groom Johnny, it's a message on your wedding day for the condemned man I'm your best mate, I'm your band mate, I'm your best man, I'm your best band man mate Exactly But you know what in saying that, I've got enough experience in the music business to know what happens when two band mates, like yourself and Reni, intermarry in a band setting

It's happened to the greats, it happened to Abba, Fleetwood Mac, Ike and Tina Turner, and dare I even utter their names, John and Yoko And we all know that Yoko's driving, charasmatic musical talent was squashed by that beat nosed little prick and his lies So to the two of you and your toxic love Oh my giddy giddy gosh, it's Brent fucking Cross – Oh, like given the opportunity you wouldn't do the same in a heartbeat

Listen Scott, I know things got a little bit messy between us I know you, me, Johnny were band mates for years – Oh yeah, yeah, yeah Until you abandoned us to go do your solo thing – All that's in the past now

– All what, your solo career? I hear you're about as popular with the public as a poo in the mouth – I've got a very dedicated fan base – So does UKIP – Well ah, nice catching up with you, Scott – I'd say you're pretty far from catching up with me, bruv, but you, you keep reaching for that rainbow, yeah? – Funny thing, revenge

It can change your whole attitude in a heartbeat All it takes is that one little phone call out of the blue informing you your father's been viciously murdered at the brutal hands of your arch-enemy and suddenly violence doesn't seem like such a turn-off no more Yup, the current POA reads drive to London, track down Teddy, avenge Dad's death, then back here in time for Match Of The Day and a spam supper Although first, I feel like I should take a moment to pay my last respects Just lighting a candle for the old man

It's scented, just like he was Although whereas this candle smells of citrus and cinnamon, Senior's aroma was more reminiscent of lamb biryani and stale rolling tobacco Not that he ever smoked, or ate Indian food I guess some people are just lucky enough to have a natural bouquet You know, it's funny, it's almost as if I can feel him looking down on me

Mind you, looking down on me was all the judgmental old bastard ever did while he was alive, so (gentle guitar music) – Less of the old, yeah, thank you very fucking much! I remember the first time we got drunk We were downing a litre of Thunderbirds While we listened to new age punk Next morning I washed the sick out of your hair It was black and smelt of rancid chow mein But I didn't really care Now here we are, we're on your wedding day Oh your friends here, they're all gathered round To watch you throw your drea away And your bride's hardly idea I must say But with all the dodgy mates you hang with At least you didn't turn out gay Yeah Yeah, at least you didn't tu out gay Barely recovered, we are gathered together here in the sight of government surveillance no bloody doubt, to join together this freakish hipster and this twisted sister in unholy matrimony– (phone ringing with funky ringtone) – You're through to the party line, wha' go'on, breadbin? – [Shittee] Yeah, that Johnny Windows? – Nah, nah, nah, this is Scott Free Yeah, I'm holding all his shit 'cause he didn't want it to ruin the lines of his amazing wedding sit

– Well, this is Shittee Pee hollering atcha And proud baby – What, Shittee Pee? The big-time festival promoter? Tah-rass! – Listen, cuz, I want him and you to play a headlining DJ set at the HipstErban stage tomorrow at my big, fat shoobs, Bruvfest – Bruvfest? Bumpercars! So let's get nitty gritty, Shittee, how much is the gig gonna be worth? – What would you say to the undisputably impressibly generous sum of– – Or forever hold their peace – Fuck you, bruv! That is a big fat yes in the affirmative from me, cuz, you best believe that, boom

(gentle guitar music) – I'm revoking your best man duties And your best mate duties And, do you know what, while I'm at it, your band mate duties too – Look, Johnny, please, just let me explain to you why I shouted out like that– – I don't want to hear about it, Scott! Today ain't about you and your issues It's about me and the woman I love swearing to be together until the day we OD

Now if you'll excuse me, I've got a wedding to go to and it's pretty vital that I attend because it happens to be my own – Johnny! Johnny! (Johnny groaning) Oh, oh, really? (groaning) is it? Is it (groaning) between you and me, Johnny? Yeah, like, like, I'm the (groaning) person Not you, just a little bit (groaning) Never? Well I'm gonna show you, Johnny Windows I'm gonna show the whole world who is really (groaning) 'cause it's not me

(sobbing) (upbeat rock music) I'm building on the uphill steps Rising with the blind faith a fool I'm messing my mind in a death by emotion Fucking hell, there's too mu emotion Never 'cause it's been said It's out of my mind It's time to step in and see the Strip the leaves brown (engine blasting) – Shit, shit – Oh my gosh, it looks like you're smoking some serious shit over there, bro – Actually my car's just died My dad too, as a matter of fact – Shit, I'm really sorry to hear that, bruv

– Tell me about it I bloody loved that old banger Hey listen mate, I desperately need a ride back to the big smoke ASA-fucking possible – Bruv, I know exactly how you feel, all this fresh air and countryside, it's enough to drive any man a little bit Charlie Sheen

– So, do you have a car? – I have a car key Winning! – Are you sure about this? – [Scott] It's the perfect solution, you need a car, I need a driver Look, maybe this will cheer you up – [Patrick] What's that? – Pick'n'mix, bruv, what do you think? – Got any flying saucers? They're my best ones – Have a dibble dabble of this here sherbet, and you'll see more fucking flying saucers than NASA mate

This is Johnny's private wedding stash So, to the long and winding road – Well actually, it's pretty much a straight line all the way up the A406 – Nevertheless (upbeat electronic music) (Scott yelling) – I'm beginning to think maybe this wasn't such a great idea

– Are you fucking kidding me, man? You and me hooking up was like the best fucking human idea since, I don't know, Alfred Eisenstein came up with sliced hotcakes! You and me on the open road like, like Thelma and Louise, you know? Like fucking Butch and Sundance Like Buzz and Woody – I don't know who any of those people are – See, we've got so much to learn from each other Patrick, this is exciting

I feel so alive – I'm no drugspert, but I think you may have taken too much – Patrick, too much is not a quantifiable amount, okay? Too much is not even a number Thank you, Professor Saint George But too much does not exist! Oh wait, unless actually this time I did take too much

Maybe I took too much, fuck me Fuck me, Patrick, maybe I, I think I've taken too much Patrick, I've taken too much, Patrick What the fuck am I gonna do? – Well, shit, pal, I dunno I thought you knew what you were doing

What'd you fucking take too much for? – I've taken too much, I've taken too much – Jesus, what you doing now? Oh fuck me, no, no, no, no, don't do that Christ man, you're fucking freaking me out now and all – No, it's okay I'm alright now, I'm alright now, now

Oh yeah, no, no, no, no I've not taken too much at all, it's just right I'm just riding the wave of love Oh my god, I'm riding a wave of love and I'm on a surfboard that's also made out of love Oh, oh, the world is so full of joy Oh, no, I'm good, I'm totally fine, I'm totally fine

(sighing) That was a little crazy, but I'm good, I'm good, I'm totally good Or am I? – This seems like a good moment to reflect on my journey so far, utilising the trusty medium of the video diary What do I think of Scott? Well, he's one of life's free spirits, innhe? He does what he wants, he like a fucking rainbow through the sky He just does what he feels, he's not constrained by any rules or any laws, and I fucking hate it to be honest, drives me mad how someone can be like that Fucking embarrassing

Fucking disgrace, he probably pisses his pants When I first met him I thought, what the fuck is going on? And it's sort of got worse since Two words, lost cause, that's what the fucking geezer is Losto causo He's got a lot of issues, a lot of issues he needs to get to grips with and deal with if he wants to move forward in his life

That's not gonna happen any time soon – Oh oi Shittee Pee, bad boy MC, what you sayin', bruv? What you sayin'? – Wha' blowin', wha' blowin' – Cool, yeah, well I was just wondering about this year's Bruvfest Dun know I tore it up on the ones and twos last summer, I'm assuming you want me to reignite the old fire and flames and that? – Don't even bother stepping to me with that foolishness 'cause you've fallen off the radar like some fucking shoebombed Airbus, cuz – What? So who the fuck's going to DJ the HipstErban stage tomorrow? – Some brash young Turk called Johnny Windows, innit

At least, I think he's Turkish – You booked Johnny fucking Windows? – Yeah, through his band mate, err, Scott Free or something Why, you know this Johnny? – Yeah, I've just come from his fucking wedding – Ooh, bad timing for him DJs at Bruvstock attract urban foxes like the bins outside Dixie Fried Chicken, blood

– Are you telling me? That's my favourite perk of the job – I'm afraid to say, fam, your perking days are now officially over Yep, you're all perked out – So say you, Shittee, but I will perk again, bruv, best believe that I will perk again

– Well, this is it End of the road – Nah, there's some more road just over there, bro, look I just wanted to apologise for my erratic behaviour for the last 20 miles or so, bro – Let me give you a bit of parting advice, drugs are for mugs

So do yourself a favour and don't be a mug Or a boundlessly annoying shitheaded fuckface – You might be on to something there, bro Take it – What the hell am I supposed to do with this shit? – Keep it the fuck away from my hungry, hungry nostrils

– Goodbye Scott I sincerely hope never to see you ever again – Bye I like your hair (upbeat rock music) Professor, where's my gym Not to look messing around i bustling 'Cause I'm high off money, sensibilities Can get through this, cheap wise flow into fantasies Euthanizing recruiter's, incredible gift Blast it down to pieces, always somewhere near Combings, backseating in a Sainsbury's car park Looks like a chav, the same us – Toddsworth! – Patrick Saint George Junior

Well, fuck me – Consider yourself fucked – You've sure got some balls – More than you know – What? Have you got three balls? – No

But I do have an usually spherical penis – And is that why you've come here, to tell me about your globular hairy weapon? – You know why I'm here, Teddy, 'cause of what you did to my father – What, paid me a shit tonne of money to join his promotion team? – Fuck me genius, she cried – Too bloody right, I fucking ain't – Dad? What the fuck's going on here? (Teddy, Ben and Senior laughing) – Do you remember this voice from your past? Word on the street is that your dad was murdered, by Teddy Toddsworth

That phone call, that was you? Dad, was this your idea? – I knew it'd be the only way to draw you out of hiding, son – That's right So, just give me back my money – What money? – All that fucking money you cheated me out of when you took that dive, remember? – Oh, that money! Yeah, I spunked that – Well then, Ben over here is bound to come out of retirement just to beat the shit out of you

– I'm sorry to disappoint you all but I've renounced violence You might as well call me Mohatma Mandela bloody Lama Luther King, 'cause these days I am one peace-loving, flower-fucking, fruit of sweet, sweet mother nature's cunt – Fine, there's only one option left I guess we'll just have to beat the money out of ya – And how would that work, exactly? – I'm not entirely sure, but I reckon we'll have a bit of fun finding out

– Dad? – Don't look at me, son, I'm dead (frantic electronic music) (Scott panting and groaning) – Where's my fucking pick'n'mix? (screaming) – Here boy, here boy, fetch (whimsical instrumental music) Now those really are some hungry hungry nostrils That's it, good boy, come on, in the car, in the car, good boy That's it, in you get son, in you get

(tyres screeching) – I'll get ya, Saint George, and your little junkie too – How did I feel when I found out my Dad had died? Rage, anger, fear, sadness, despair And how did I feel when I found out he was actually alive? Pretty much all the same – So your Dad ain't dead and you've gone and spent all the money that you nicked from that Teddy guy? Mate, you are in some deep deep shit – Tell me about it

– Like, a massive pile of shit that's also surrounded by like, satellite shits and they're all morphing into one shitty cloud around your nostrils that are like little microbes of kaka, kaka – Yes, I know – You're like at the bottom of a tunnel of poo, caked in poo chained to a radiator going, no more poo – Stop! I am perfectly aware of the seriousness of my situation, but thank you so much for helping me visualise it in such a vivid fashion – Do you know what? I might actually know of a way that you can pay Teddy off

All you'd have to do is come along to this gig tomorrow that I was supposed to do with Johnny and you fill in for him – I don't think that's gonna work – The festival promoter, he's not even met Johnny So we just tell him that you're Johnny, then we do the gig, then we get paid, then we split the cash – And how am I supposed to do the gig when I don't play any instruments, genii? – Because it's a DJ gig, and I'll be doing all the DJing myself

All you'd have to do is stand behind the decks and look cool and maybe say one or two things on the mic Have you ever MCed before? – You say your name's Scott Free but you look trapped to me A slave to addiction like Whitney and Amy You should get yourself some rehab ASAP, and quit chasing that degree in idiocy, 'cause I'm sick of listening to your senseless drug-fuelled waffle, snorting ain't cool and that's the gospel Shove that poison right up your left nostril, you'll be laid out cold in a Saint Mungo's hostel

Or in a public kazi in Oxford Street, bent down like a clown by the toilet seat, sniffing oversized pebbles through a wet receipt, devil's dandruff got you stuck on rinse and repeat Like Goose in Top Gun you're headed for the danger zone So listen to my sound advice and leave the bone alone Drop that shit outta your system like a two-pound kidney stone or face some serious costs like a dodgy payday loan What? – Brrrup-Ay! Blood, that was sick

You spit bars lovely! – You're seriously telling me that tomorrow I could just rock up at this, um? – Bruvfest – Chat shit on the mic for a few minutes, and make enough cash to get Teddy off my back for good? – That is exactly what I'm telling you – In that case I think you, my furry little friend, have got yourself a deal Oh for ff Where'd you grow up? – I'm sorry

What is that? – Look, it's fine I don't know, – What the fuck is that? What the fuck is that? – I just normally do like the head nod I'm not into, you know Just, just – Not, what, what? No, you just

Fucking hell, un-fucking-believeible So it looks as though I would be coming out of retirement after all Though not as a boxer, but an MC My rap name back in the day was Dragon Fire-breather Or, as they used to call me, Breath, MC Breath, because I used to just pick up the mic and breathe fire so I was known as The Breath

I used to walk around and just talk, and people go, my god, breath I used to say, chill, I'm here, I'm here all night Don't have to rush me, buy me a Stella, let's get this party started And ah, you know, A led to B led to C, led to D, ooh I'll say about me, I'm a man with very eclectic taste in music

Alright, this modern grime dupstep, boo, boo, ah, ah, (gurgling) (imitating electronic beeping and whistling) So no, not a fan (gentle rock music) – So come on Teddy, how we gonna find that idiot son of mine now? – How am I supposed to hatch an evil plot with that bloody racket going on? I like Monster Munch I like Monster Munch You like cheesy Quavers I like cheesy Quavers You're a bag of Kettle Chips Ooh, classy I'm a bag of Space Raiders 10p a pack I like poppadoms Poppadoms, poppadoms You like prawn crackers I like prawn cracker But when we get together gir When we get together girl Crisps don't even matter Crisps don't even matter I love you more than crisps Yeah yeah I love you even more than crisps Yeah yeah yeah yeah – Wah-to-the-gwan, I'm Johnny Windows and you can catch me and my band Dirty Protest every Friday night here at Scratch'n'Sniff – Ooh, yeah, it's gonna be naughty If you've stopped taking your medication, come down and party with me Big boy Fat Man MC

– That's him, the feral junkie That's him – Scratch'n'Sniff, this shit I love you more than crisps – Looks like I'm gonna have to find myself some skinny jeans lads, 'cause apparently tonight is gig night

French Fries, Hula Hoops, Frazzles, Pom Bears Crisps – Well a man like me, you know, I love the fact that you've got all this grime thing going on, all these grime artists, you get what I'm saying? You know, I know, whole heap of bad man on road, do you understand? That's the thing with grime, that's when you get bare bad mans, do you get me? That's all what a man likes me dance for, you get me? You know, you're all outside eating your little KFC and thinking a man's coming past and spraying you up when you're eating your KFC, and it's all going all over the place You get what I'm saying, bruv? You know? Got nothing like that, you can't beat that shit – Yeah, yeah – [Shittee] You on the level or what, bruv? – Yeah, I don't know about, I'm not really into drive-bys but, you know, 'cause I'm about the music, yeah I mean, I'll talk about drive-bys but I don'tctually go and then do drive-bys

– Well, Bruvfest, this year, we've got all men like Johnny Windows – Johnny Windows is a sick guy, he's just– – He's gonorrhoea sick, gonorrhoea sick – Gonorrhoea Yeah, Johnny Windows is gonorrhoea sick – My brother's got gonorrhoea going down his dick, then I know that motherfucker sick

– Yeah – You understand what I'm saying? If you ain't that deep, then you know, you ain't gonna make the Bruvfest So you need to sharpen up for next year, bruv Them guys piss, porridge come out, you get me, yeah? Porridge, yeah? – Porridge? That's horrible, gee – Yeah, porridge

– [Patrick Voiceover] Having followed Scott's instruction, we eventually reached our destination of Brighton But strangely, there was no sign of any festival to be seen – Okay mate, thank you, alright, you take care now Alright, see you So, funny coincidence, apparently there are two parks and both of them have exactly the same name

One of them's here in Brighton, and the other one is nearly 200 miles away – So which one's the festival at? – Well not this one But you know what? It's a really nice town, I can't quite put my finger on it, but there's something about Brighton that really feels like home to me Weird (whimsical rock music) From under the belly of a de dog town From under the belly of a de dog town You're outrun like a rat from the underground You're outrun like a rat from the underground It's a whip and a crack, it's a dead dog town It's a whip and a crack, it's a dead dog town He goes and leaves his mark and a weekend affray Gonna leave his mark on a weekend affray He's got no time for no goodbye Can't look this mean old world in the eye You remember my name This sad sad refrain No time for no goodbye Can't look this mean old world in the eye With a weekend away, on a thunder and a roar Weekend away, on a thunder a a roar This old world just won't ta no more This old world just won't ta no more 'Cause we corrupted the very heart of it all 'Cause we corrupted the very heart of it all When you get too high you're bound to fall When you get too high you're bound to fall There's no time for no goodb I can't look this mean old world in the eye – [Patrick Voiceover] So it was back on the road with Scott again, which was never the easiest of tasks

(Scott farting) – Ooh, I might poo myself No, no it's okay – Oh, fuck me – It's okay, it's okay, it's okay, it's gone back in, it's fine It was like a little seepy creeper

Little seepy creeper Freud liked to analyse his poo And Freud liked a bit of coke as well – What does Freud know about anything? – He knew some quality Peruvian men he piped it Pipe, pipe, pipe, pipe the Peruvian, pipe the Peruvian, pipe it

Freud! Cant, can't, can't, can't It's a philosophy, he's a philosopher – I'll crash this fucking car, I'll crash it on fucking purpose in a minute – Yeah, crash it, mate We'll see who goes – I will

– through the fucking windshield I won't pick up bits of your fucking face I mean, it won't be me – I'm losing the old twist here, I'm losing the twist – Just allow yourself to be a man, Patrick, like a Greco-Roman wrestler

– I've got no interest in– – Me and you wrestling I could oil you before you wrestle I could just oil you up as men, as men, you know, as real men, in oil, in grease (gentle guitar music) – This is a song that I wrote in my bachelor days Well I met her in a bar down in South London town Her eyes were crossed and her head was big and round She had this thing on her ch That I couldn't explain But I took that hot mess home and I shagged it anyway 'Cause she had huge tits and an ugly face She had huge tits and an ugl face Huge tits and an ugly face She had huge tits and an ugl face And she smelled like cakes (audience applauding) – I thought I was the one who went solo? – Well, since I kicked Scott out of the band, I figured I might as well go acoustic

– No Scott? Isn't that going to make your Bruvfest DJ gig tomorrow a bit difficult? – The what? – Shittee Pee said he'd booked you guys to headline the HipstErban tent Well did Scott not tell you? – No, he didn't – Looks like maybe he's gone solo and all – Johnny Windows? – Jesus, and I thought I had some ropey looking groupies – I'm looking for your mate, Scott Free

– So am I And he ain't my mate no more – So any idea where he might be? – I might have an inkling (gentle guitar music) The blind leading the blind No reason or rhyme This can't be all there is Rising unrest and the people are depressed And this world just won't forgive So turn your light on Sing your heart song Melt your troubles away In your heart This city sky's lit up tonig All of the dark burst into light This city and I walk tonight (slow, jazzy music) – Oh, you guys – Bruv, check out that fit bitch hiker

Pull over and let's pick her up – Alright love, off to the old Bruvfest, are we? – What gave it away? Was it the sign? – Yeah, that and the lensless NHS specs We're headed there too, hop in – [Carly] You're going Bruvfest? – Not only am I going, love, I'm performing – Wow, how cool is that? – Ah, pretty fucking cool, I'd say

Don't mind him, he's not very used to female company – My name's Scott, Scott Free – Wow, as in Scott Free and Johnny Windows – Actually, as in Scott Free and MC Patrick the Dragon Breath St George Junior, motherfucker – Hold on a second

Did you just say Johnny Windows? – Why, do you know him? – He's the prick who skewered my old girlfriend Bekka the second I turned my cheeks (Scott laughing) – That sounds like Johnny, yeah – I was in a relationship, was a bit of a bad experience She done the dirty on me, bless her, with some up and coming rock star of some description Sadly I did walk in on them in the act

I actually unbeknown got into the bed I thought I was being greeted by a hairy surprise It wasn't the hairy surprise I was hoping for This rock star character was like Cousin It, all hair and no body You know, she cheated on me with a wig, which is never nice for a man

Well out of that mate, well out of that Speaking of Johnny, him and Brent had hired a car, with the aim of intercepting Scott before he could each the festival – Out to all my heavy duty cutie, got a pretty face and a nice booty Out to my beanie in bikini, in a dress that has got the skin, beady eyes, – Beanie! – how we like it, no we don't want no Humpty Dumpty frumpy lady, she got a big belly, more facial hair than the Yeti, you get me? But you can't dress me, 'cause I might just be the best MC Sure it's unlikely, follow me

Still my stylist, keep it tidy – Break it down – Come again, I don't need to pretend, you MCs, you can't match this You MCs, you need more practise, yeah – Yeah, man I like that, that was really nice

– It's alright, yeah it's cool, innit? – [Johnny] So what was Bruvfest like last year then? – Proper nice I spent most of the advance on Lego – You bought a load of Lego, will ya? – Yeah, you know, like the really top stuff – [Johnny] Really, did you spend it all on Lego? – I wouldn't say I spent all of it I didn't spend all of it – You fucking idiot

– on Lego, some of it– – You blatantly spent loads of it on Lego – No, few proper good nights out A bit of the old (sniffing) – [Johnny] Just a bit? – [Brent] Oh I spent quite a lot of it on that, but um – [Johnny] Yeah, come on man – 'Cause I was trying to get rid of the writer's block

But then I think it might have actually been– – Blocking you – Yeah, I think it was both, it was definitely blocking my nose, that's for sure (slow hip hop music) – So, did you see that title fight on the weekend? – Yeah, great fight, wicked fight, it was amazing, there was nothing in it – Hey, hey, hey, can we stop always idle blathering about boxing, please? This is meant to be a revenge mission, not some fucking boys brigade be and all – So what would you like us to do? Just sit here in contemplative silence for the whole journey? – That is what antagonists usually do in these situations, isn't it? – Hey, hey, I'm not an antagonist

– Well you're fucking antagonising me – I've got a question, how exactly are we gonna find Patrick? – Well– – Oh, so he's allowed to talk now, is he? – As opposed to casual chit-chat, expository conversation directly relating to our malicious intentions is perfectly acceptable fare – God, this is going to be a long train ride – Hey guys, this place looks cool Why don't we stop and get some munch? – Fuck that, let's just get to the festival, man

I don't want burger and chips with my MDMA – I dunno, man, I'm pretty hungry (tyres screeching) – OH what, so you're just going to ignore me, are you Patrick? What, this young lady comes along and anything I say is just you know, whatever – Exact-o-fucking-lutely sausage – So, Pat, what kind of stuff are you gonna be performing at Bruvfest? – Carly, Carly, Carly Farley, you've got perfect curves like a vintage Harley

You knock me out cold like you were Laila Ali, and stir me up hot like I was Robert Marley You're a sort, you're a hunny, you're a hottie, you're a fittie, you're lovely and juicy and sexy and pretty I don't know where you're from but I'd guess Bristol City, with your inflation-hit million-quid thrupenny-bitties I know we just met but I really feel I know you, I know I haven't felt you but I really hope to And if you're feeling dirty I can wash and soap you

Sit you on my canoe so I can motorboat you I ain't psychic but I see you in my future The surname Saint George would definitely suit ya So perch on my lap top like a Apple computer, and climb my flagpole so I'll proudly salute ya – Woo! Pat, you're amazing! So you've played at Bruvfest before, yeah? – Carly, not only has this square never been to a festival, he has never taken an illicit substance in his life

– Drug use is nothing to be proud of, you know – Were you born with an extra chromosome? Drug use is definitely something to be proud of – Definitely – Look mate, you've not lived a day in your dull, insignificant little life You've never partied, you've never done drugs

You've never fucking thrown up at a gig and done a line to make it alright again Or pissed yourself at your friend's house You know what I mean? That's living – That's true – Your life is like vanilla, you know what I mean? Whereas my life's like, it's Tutti Frutti

You know what I mean? – [Carly] Yeah – Fucking Tutti Frutti man, sort your shit out – You just really need to open your mind, Pat, and just embrace new experiences I mean, you never know what you're gonna discover or see or feel – Pray tell, what exactly did you have in mind, my dear? – Holy smokes

– It's not what I had in mind Met a beauty in a bar last night Wonder what she's doing ther Her delicate frame caught my eye And I just had to stop and stare Everybody knows my heart is broke You can see it in my eyes I met a beauty in a bar last night Well someone called out to m When I was on the stair And I turned around to see She was standing there She spoke to me But I couldn't speak Oh, my tongue got tied I met a beauty in a bar last night – Okay, listen guys, I'm telling you, yeah It's like clones, clones, BIG, HIV yeah, 9/11, 7/7, one word fam, illuma-fucking-natis (Carly and Patrick laughing) Well we'll see who's laughing when you're banging on my chemtrail resistant door – Excuse me guys, I'm off to the little badger's room

– Oh, alright Don't pet 'em, you'll get TB Shout if you see a snake, or if you want to see one – Do you think we can trust her? You know, do you not think it's even just a little bit odd that we bump into this hitchhiker who's heading in exactly the same direction as us? – Scott, there you go again with all this stupid conspiracy theory shit Look, me and Carly are starting to bond, alright, so don't you go fucking it up with all your negative vibrations, yeah? – Jesus, why do women keep coming along and fucking up all my bromances? – Hey, pal, this ain't no fucking bromance, alright

If anything it's a bromarriage-of-convenience I'm using you to get what I want, you're doing the same to me End of – How can you say that, Patrick ? You know, sometimes you can just be so insensitive – Alright, love, don't get your knickers in a twist

– I am going to sit in the car – What's wrong with her? – I don't think there's a short answer to that question – Come on, let's go for a walk – Alright – So, what's gonna happen to you two? I mean, once you've played the gig and got your money? – Carly, I don't need no sidekick, I've always been a lone wolf

– And you've never, ever craved the company of a she-wolf? – Bitch – Excuse me? – The correct term for a female wolf is a bitch And to answer your question – I've seen a fair few one sided knockouts in my time but, fuck me, talk about punching above your weight! – Keep away from her, Teddy, she's nothing to do with this – Err, yes she is

Patrick, meet my niece – What? You are related to that? – Without him I have literally nothing – I don't have nothing or no-one neither, but I don't feel the need to fuck over other people for personal gain – And what about what you done to me, huh? – Oh, that Well, that was different, weren't it? – Why, because you're the hero and I'm the villain? Well, guess what, Saint George, in my life story you're the bad guy

And I will never stop chasing you until I get what I want – There is nothing you could do to me to make me fight for you again – But maybe there's something I can do to your dad here – Teddy? – Do you really think physically threatening my father's gonna hold any kind of sway with me? – Well, let's find out Do him

– Son, listen to me, I'm sorry for everything that I ever did to you (Teddy laughing) – No! – Smagash! (Senior screaming) (thudding) Oops – He's ah, he's not moving – He doesn't even look like he's breathing What do we do? – We do what any right-minded human being would do in such a tragic situation

Screw you, peckerneck! – Get him, Carly! – Where's your bitch? – That she-wolf will never be my bitch – I told you this was exactly what was going to happen and you disregarded my advice and you made a bit of a fool of yourself, made yourself look a bit silly – Let's not get too fucking lairy– – No, no, no, no, let's, no, no, no, no, no, let's not focus on – Let's not get too fucking lairy now Scott – No, I'm not getting lairy

I'm just getting, like, I'm on a truth vibration here, bro I think we need a bit of truth space and there's been a lot of negativity I'm not about judging but I'm about telling you you're wrong, about telling you you fucked up and it's your fault You should really have a think about yourself, maybe sit in the corner – you too, let me tell you something, – with a little dunce hat, a little dunce hat, – yeah, yeah, yeah Yeah, nice

– and have a little cry, mate Little cry mate, going like, – Nice, nice – oh myself, oh Ihould listen to Scott but I don't listen – Yeah, keep going Yeah, keep going

– And then at the moment, when you're at your lowest, instead of you ejaculating, I'll come over and I'll just bust on your nut like that, and my semen will all be speaking to you, going, Scott was right, Scott was right, as it goes in your eye and then tears come down – You finished? – Yeah – Get in the fucking car – Right (gentle rock music) Last melody on the street Oh, what you never think Woman's work could be so har Closer than you think you ar It's more than you'll ever know More than you'll ever know It's more than you'll ever know I wait, just can't sleep Four words, we just can't speak Love that burns, love that ties Love is all, love is blind – Having changed into what Scott assured me was appropriate attire, we arrived at the festival with a bit of time to kill before the big performance

(man yelling) So me and Scott decided to take a moment to meet our audience We're at a festival having a good time, are you enjoying yourself? (man blubbering) – I love it, it's my favourite festival ever – This is like the perfect festival – Johnny Windows, Scott Free are they on your radar? (man blubbering) – Are you looking forward to seeing the likes of Johnny Windows and Scott Free? – Definitely – I'm a bit lost on that one but yeah

– Johnny Windows is fucking awesome – Johnny Windows? – I'm looking forward to it, yeah he's good – I actually love it I'm just so quirky, I wear vintage clothing and I'm just so quirky – [Group] Johnny Windows, Scott Free

– Massive, forever – Absolutely fucking smashing it for the UK – Fuck me – Consider yourself fucked

– [Patrick Voiceover] Alright, maybe wandering around the festival might not have been the best idea – Whoa, whoa, whoa, don't get all eggy now, Teddy The whole reason me and Patrick came here was to get your cash The plan all along was to– – To sell a bunch of drugs to people at the festival and pay you off with the profits – Is that right? Well, let's say we cut out the middleman, you just give me your stash

– Fine – How do I know this shit's the real deal? – Please, that there is pure, uncut, rainbow-flavored fucking moon dust – Well, we'll see about that Here, Ben (wondrous guitar music) – Patrick, Patrick Saint George

Patrick, hold me Hold me, Patrick (thudding) – Yes, Patrick – Consider that your rematch, fuckhead – Right then, I guess that concludes our business

Well, if you'll excuse me, I have to go and sell some mind-altering substances to some vulnerable teenagers Fucking losers – Here look, Carly, why don't you tag along with us? I don't know, we'll split the gig money three ways or something – You'd really do that for me? After everything that's happened? – Like I said, Carly, I know what it's like to have nothing and no one – Hello, it's Scott Free and Johnny Windows, we're headlining the HipstErban stage

– Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, just hold on, that's the rider for Johnny Windows Look, that girl over there Tell them, Carly She's my fucking niece! – Come on – Carly! – [Patrick Voiceover] So Toddsworth finally fell foul of a bastard even more vicious than him

And, once the police arrived, Teddy was well and truly fucked So, with no sign of Johnny and Brent, all that was left for me to do was get ready for showtime (upbeat music) – Yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, party people, party people Now we are about to introduce to you the one and only Scott Free and the Johnny to the Windows – Bruvfest, make some noise! (crowd cheering) You are about to listen now to the one and only, London's finest, the number one– – Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, hold on, hold on, hold on, alright

You're not Johnny Windows – I am Johnny Windows – You're not Johnny Windows – I am Johnny Windows – That's Johnny Windows

– [Patrick] That ain't Johnny Windows – What's the bruv? You can't rap, you can't sing, you ain't got no skills – What you talkin' about? Course I can rap – Alright, alright Prove it

– Alright DJ, run the rhythm (upbeat electronic music) – That's what I'm talking about people Turn it up Yeah

You say I can't rap, you want to take that back, like a pair of skinny jeans with just an inch of slack You think you're the mack with your red roof rack, but check it, ginger ain't the new black – Mate, trying to take the piss? You should be at home, looking after the kids Not on the stage trying to MC You want to leave that shit to Johnny and me

– Okay, Brent Cross, now you've crossed the line, I might look like a nob but these clothes ain't mine Yo, and you're mate Johnny too, only look like a prick cos I'm dressed as you – Skinny jeans, flip flops, you're a mess What you think this is, fancy dress? Nah, nah, you're not ready for us Nah, nah, you're not ready for us

– Alright, time for this rapping shit to cease and desist I know I was rinsed before, but now I'm properly pissed I took you to school but now it's classed dismissed I'm gonna beat you with my mic and then I'll box you with my fist – Yo, settle down sir, fisty cuffs ain't cool

And what about ragabonds, look like fools You got the time and stage, let's not spend it all acting big and tough, just makes you look boring – Okay, Jay, I hear what you say, Agginess ain't cool anyway Why don't we spread love like a family Come on man, let's have a little party – [Patrick, Brent And Johnny] Say Bruvfest! Is a lovefest! Say Bruvfest! – [Crowd] Bruvfest

– [Patrick, Brent And Johnny] Is a lovefest! – [Crowd] Is a lovefest – They say Britain's broken but you must be joking All I feel for my country is pure devotion Travelled far and wide to get to Bruvfest This is the place I love the best, 'cause I've never seen a kingdom more united, every race off their face and they're trying to hide it

If you're drunk, Olly, don't stay to be Britain, it's better as one, that's why we're Great Britain – [Patrick, Brent And Johnny] Fire! – So Scott, Johnny and Brent ended up sharing the stage once again And although after the gig, it was the real Johnny Windows who got the money, my reward was a taste of Tutti Frutti in my vanilla flavoured life Get ready for the style, bab You're not ready for the style, baby Get ready for the style, bab You're not ready for the style, baby Get ready for the style, bab You're not ready for the style, baby For the style, baby For the style, baby You might be off in the jung Big in the game If the shit sounds boring, than the shit needs to change I'm a new case so you'll know we're proud If you were pictures, bandages aren't allowed Too many MCs, not enough tim We all want the spotlight where we shine Music from the heart, that's what really matters Not music from the boardroom, that ain't matter Rather be already what I'm sure they are Rather be already where the girls say ah Rather be already where I'm sure they are Well of course they are, well of course the are Whoa Is it the styling baby The styling You get the people go bang Styling To get the girls jumping To get the girls jumping Styles we bring Is it the styling – Next morning, I took the time to reflect on our crazy journey, and realised that me and Scott had genuinely had some really good times together But, even more importantly than that, we'd also had some absolutely fucking god awful times too

And it was with that in mind that I jumped in Johnny's hire care with the cash and hit the open road once again Lone wolf Always have been, always will be (howling) Over the past two days, I've come to learn that living well is the best revenge Because for the very first time in my life I can just ride straight on through whatever obstacles the road has to front me

Well after all, the rental car's in Johnny Window's name, so (engine revving) (Senior laughing) – Excuse me stranger, I don't suppose you're heading back to London, by any chance? 'Cause if you were, I was wondering if you wanted to share a cab – Sure, my name's Patrick by the way – You know what? I've always liked that name I think I can smell bromance in the air

That, and lamb biryani and stale rolling tobacco too, if I'm not mistaken (gentle instrumental music) (upbeat, funky music) Come on and save me Save me Come on and save me Save me one last dance I feel your hand grab my arm Pull me towards the floor One last time, one last danc I won't last forever more Jump to the beat Stomp your feet And shut your weary eyes Lost and found in silent prayer Has lifted all the sky Come on and save me One last dance Save me Save me one last dance Calling me, telling me I hear our favourite song Music forever, destroy the silence In death we are involved Save me Come on and save me Save me Save me one last dance

Source: Youtube

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