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Big Brother's Little Sister Cannot Be Turned Off | Breaking News

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(upbeat music) – [Narrator] From West Hollywood California, the only news team that doesn't know what's on the teleprompter before they read it Anyone who laughs, or breaks, loses points

This is "Breaking News" – This, is "Breaking News," the show where we don't know what we're about to say, and we're not allowed to smile or laugh I'm Jessica Crispy – And I'm Chunky Scoop The bad boy of the group

And I'm here to serve it up, piping hot all night long 'Til the break of dawn From coast to coast, doing the most, can't nobody stop me except for a ghost Are you nasty hoes ready for some news? – Give it to em Chunk – Today's top story

The popular over-the-counter drug, Flox-I-Tox, Known comm only as "grandma's musk", hit record sales earlier this year as an easy way for elderly women to grow thick and lustrous facial hair Like they've always yearned for – That's right Previously smooth-cheeked and pathetic, old ladies everywhere delighted in the effects of "grandma's musk", slurping the recommended half-liter serving of the spicy yellow syrup in order to sprout out a beard, goatee, soul patch, mutton chops, or many other fun and flirty styles from their face – I'll tell you what, if I were still on Tinder, I'd swipe right, but I'm not on Tinder anymore because I'm not allowed

If you want to know why, send me a DM – I'll send you one right now, what's your handle? – Same as always @cottagecheesebikini – Now I'm told there are some pretty serious side effects from this medication – There sure are

Side effects include: Improvise ten side effects, uh having a face – Yes, having a face – God, butt cheeks – [Katie] Butt cheeks – Face leakage

– Face leakage – The feeling that you should call your mum but you never actually get around to it – That one – You're just Nicholas Cage for a little bit – Nicholas Cage? – Sinking! – Sinking! – The memory of the book Matilda is disappeared from your brain and you don't know why

– Tragic – Suddenly, you like Trump, sorry – Uh-oh – And, of course, the big one – This is nine

– Yeah, and I'm going to do a different one for ten – Okay – [Siobhan] Okay The big one, the big one happens in California An earthquake happens, and of course, ten

You look like Katie Marovitch and I'm so sorry about that – [Tao] (gasps) – Hurtful, hurtful, hurtful – Hurtful – Scary stuff Woop, woop, doop doop

You know what that sound means It's time for our weekly tech roundup with none other than Pepper Stevens – Thanks, Chunky I'm Pepper Stevens, and I'm here to keep you in the loop about the latest gizmos, gadgets, and more – Pepper, I don't think I got your DM

Are you sure you sent it to cottagecheesebikini? – Move over, Siri, Alexa, and Cortana, there's a new virtual chick in town Her name is Paluba, and unlike other smart speakers on the market, Paluba does not hide the fact that she's recording you 24/7 and selling your data So refreshing, no more coyness or beating around the bush like with other AI Paluba is an honest and no-nonsense woman She constantly listens, has bluetooth and blackmail functionality, and all of her threats play in rich stereo sound

Paluba! She cannot be turned off and retails for 580 dollars and zero eight cents, or upside-down boobs – I want a Paluba but I'm not allowed – Why? – Well, I've been banned from using any and all services that require a login, because my password is always "penis" 40 times and it overfills the entry for that, which then kind of crashes every server's database – Yes – Okay

– Any other tech updates, Pepper? – Yes I just got to try out some brand new kitchen gadgets, for example, I recently made some Korean fried chicken wings This was a chicken wing – That sounds bad! What a gross thing you're describing! (talking over one another) Hey, cut it out, you're gross – You're a bad cook and everybody knows it – Stop it, trash, stop it, that sounds disgusting! (talking over each other) – I don't want to talk about that

Thanks so much, Pepper, it's time now to go to our field correspondent, Gloot Grizzly, for today's report – Thanks, Chump, Chumpy, Chunky Thanks, Chunky, that's your name I'm here in the Sloppy Joe capital of the world, Sochi, Russia, where hundreds of Sloppy Joe enthusiasts gather every year for the annual Stuff-Your-Face Greasy Beef Competition This year's grand prize? 5000 dollars and a brand new Paluba

– How's the competition heating up so far, Glooty? – Well, Jessica, I'm going to be perfectly honest, the tournament isn't until next week, but the flights to Sochi were much cheeper this weekend so I thought I'd take advantage of the lower fare They have yet to even set up the arena, but I did ask one woman at the airport what she thinks about Sloppy Joes and she said, quote, "ID and boarding pass, please" – Oh, sounds tasty, not going to lie – If I had to guess, I'd say it's going to be one hell of a competition Back to you

– Thanks Gloot, bring me back a souvenir – Unfortunately, I'm not allowed – Oh, why's that? – Oh, well, I don't have any money because I had to pay for my own flight to Sochi, even though it should be a work expense – Yes, that's terrible – Woop woop, doop doop! (laughter) – You know what that sound means, my darlings

It's time to wrap up our program and say good night – But before we go, we must announce this week's loser – And I'm sad to say, it's Tao – [Tao] What? – [ Siobhan And Katie] Goodnight, and good luck – This is (bleeped out)

– Do you guys what some Korean fried chicken wings? – Do you have more? – Do you have it? – Do you have a gluten free version of it, because that sounds pretty great I can't have things that are fried in the same fryer though – I have Lupus – Yeah, Katie has Lupus – I don't think that has anything to do with the food I'm offering

– Oh – Okay – [Narrator] Like what you just saw? Of course you do, you're an informed citizen Well, guess what? Ten more episodes of Breaking News will be available for you exclusively on Dropout Go to dropout

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